Today I was reading some dating advice.
Words of wisdom from a favorite relationship coach.
She works with girls who are “looking for love.”
Tries to help you find your “one and only.”
As I was reading her advice I couldn’t help but feel what she was suggesting was so completely unnatural. As I reflected on it all I finally realized just why.
Of course because your target is Mr Right?
You approach this whole thing unnaturally.
On the one hand?
You realize you can’t hope to get to know someone by rushing things.
Trying to make them fly.
But here is your first obstacle to NATURAL dating. Because your goal isn’t really to get to know this guy at all is it?
All you’re really dating for?
It’s to find Mr Right.
To figure out if this guy qualifies.
If he doesn’t?
You want to be on your way.
Every moment of your time is precious isn’t it?
If you’re not sitting in front of Mr Right at this moment the last thing you want to do is waste your time there. If he’s not the right guy you will end up doing nothing but spinning your wheels.
So how do you make your preemptive strike?
How do you cut this guy off at the pass?
According to this dating coach?
You try to sleuth out your “deal breakers” from the start.
As early as possible you try to get him to show his hand.
Of course she has a bit of a point here because you girls tend to invest in a potential relationships way before you ought to.
As I mentioned before after your very first meetup?
You are already planning your wedding day!
As you probably know by now though?
That only leads to heartache.
You’re putting your hopes in a relationship that ultimately goes nowhere.
You might even put up with a situation you’re not wanting.
The problem now though is how do you ask your questions without the guy feeling like he’s sitting at an interview? If you create that impression he’s likely to balk and you won’t get to the answers you need.
“Not to worry!” says this relationship coach.
You just ask some well crafted revealers.
Not questions like, “Do you want to get married some day?”
Or, “What do you think about having kids?”
You have to be more subtle than that!
The questions you ask are about how this person “is” in a relationship. How does he respond when facing different relationship scenarios? The whole thing comes off as being curious about HIM so he is really none the wiser.
Not bad advice when your goal is “the one.”
After all you don’t want to get stuck with a narcissist.
But it still doesn’t change the unnaturalness of things.
You’re still going for the jugular instead of taking your time.
You’e not REALLY interested in getting to know him.
Instead you’re just scratching the surface so you can eliminate him if you can.
One thing I really like about Romantic Friendships is you’re just out to make a new friend who MAY become a lover. Since you aren’t investing all your relationship eggs in just this ONE person’s basket you can actually let your relationship develop naturally.
Will you end up lovers?
Of course at first you can’t know that.
But worst case scenario?
You’ll make a new friend.
If that doesn’t happen?
At least you found out.
But you have no sense of wasting time because you’re not in a PANIC.
There is nothing more unnatural than getting to know someone when what you’re really trying to do is interview them without them knowing.
Alas though for YOU?
Things must always remain unnatural.
It’s just the fruit of the monogamy relationship style you’ve chosen.
Given this perhaps you should consider a different relationship style!
What do you think now? Is dating natural at all or is it time to recognize it isn’t and instead just start getting to know people and see where your connection leads you?