I’ve had many people say this to me in one way or another.
I was sitting with a friend a few years ago.
Talking about a recent breakup I experienced.
Telling her how I’m polyamorous and don’t do monogamy any more.
Yet as she listened to me describe how I still loved my partner who had so recently broken up with me, she laughed and said she thought my non-monogamy was just a phase I was going through.
She said this because of how I look at relationships.
How much to me it is about truly connecting with one person.
Valuing my partner for who she is.
This sounded pretty monogamous to my friend.
So she figured I’d soon be happily monogamous again.
Just like I was in my long term relationship.
About a year later I got into another relationship that has lasted about two years now. This girl knows I’m polyamorus too and is okay with the fact I am.
She was pretty surprised though at the end of our first year.
When we were talking about my love life.
I told her I hadn’t had any other relationships.
And hadn’t really tried that hard to have them either.
She wondered why, since I’m polyamorous, I’m not seeking other connections.
I told her when I’m in a relationship, that’s my primary focus.
I’m OPEN to love, not CHASING love.
But she thought this felt pretty monogamous of me too.
Recently I was having a conversation with another friend who had the same reaction. We were talking polyamory and he was saying he wants to start a polyamorous commune.
I told him that sort of thing doesn’t attract me at all.
Love isn’t about “being with a bunch of people.”
Or “having threesomes” like other polyamorous friends seem to want.
I told him love isn’t something you “join.”
Not something you can just “slot someone in to fill a position.”
I told him the idea of communal polyamory and threesomes and the lot don’t feel like love to me at all. When I love someone my focus is on that ONE person, to connect with her in a deeper way.
Just like my friend a few years ago this friend finally laughed.
“You sound like what you really want is monogamy.”
Despite how contradictory this sounds.
It doesn’t mean that at all.
The fact I love an individual doesn’t mean I can’t love another individual too.
But when I love a person.
SHE is my focus and desire.
And when I’m with that particular partner I want to really connect with HER.
The reason this doesn’t make me monogamous though, is I can find this kind of connection with more than just one person.
I never aggressively seek other loves.
I’m just open to them all the time.
In fact the very idea of being OPEN to love?
That’s what makes me so open to the person I’m WITH.
It is because I experience genuine connection I’m with anyone at all.
But being with one girl who I connect with like that?
It doesn’t close me to connecting with other girls too.
So as crazy contradictory as it may seem to you, my very MONOGAMOUS way of looking at love is really to me the most POLYAMOROUS way you could ever approach your love life.
When you are really open to love?
You just are.
When you really connect with a person?
You just DO.
That connection doesn’t make you suddenly not open to love anymore.
It means your heart is truly ready to receive love wherever ELSE you find it as well.
Since right now you’re experiencing it with this one person?
Give her or him all you’ve got!
What do you think? Can you see how being monogamous at heart could make you polyamorously open to love with anyone?
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