“Here he goes again!”
“Kel always has to ‘buck the system!'”
“Everybody knows you need boundaries.”
“If you don’t you’ll get taken advantage of.”
But surely you should know by now that I’m going to have my own unique spin on the subject? So give me a listen and see whether or not you actually agree with me.
What inspired me to reflect on this?
A great article on the subject by Mark Manson.
And though my blog post title might make you question this?
In the essence I agree with him.
You can actually catch a hint of why I agree with him by the subtitle he’s given his article: “Clearly defining your values is as close to a cure for relationship problems as I’ve ever come across.”
To me that almost captures it.
You don’t really need to evaluate your “boundaries.”
What do you need to do instead?
Become aware of what you’re VALUING.
The difference between Mark and I is I don’t think you need to evaluate “your values” in advance like some set of things you’ll “put up with” and other things you “won’t put up with.”
You see, everytime you interact with someone?
You’re already doing it because you VALUE them.
Something about who they are?
But as is often true there are also going to be other things about this person you don’t value. What you have to decide in any given case is which matters more to you.
As long you’re valuing your interaction?
Valuing it MORE than what you disvalue?
That’s when you continue the relationship.
Otherwise you let it go.
Of course there’s nothing wrong with checking in to see if your partner might be open to some modifications. While you should never expect anything from your partner, it’s always okay to express your desires to them.
After they respond to that?
You can do another evaluation.
If the value you’re receiving still outweighs the “cost?”
Then you continue to enjoy your relationship with them.
What do you think? Do you really need to figure out your values so you can establish your “boundaries” or do you simply need to decide whether who your partner is means more to you than whatever it is they’re not?
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