I sometimes feel like a snake oil salesman.
Or at least I feel like you look at me that way.
Because most of what I’m saying flies in the face of everything you believe about love and romance.
You want romantic love and have a vision of how it will all work out.
And I stand here telling you it’s not going to end up that way.
Broken or not?
They are the lense through which you view your life.
In one sense your paradigm about romantic love makes it easier to live your love life because you don’t have to interpret each relationship or situation individually.
You already have the script.
When a particular person or situation comes up and you want to know what to do about them?
You can ask your paradigm what would be appropriate for this situation.
If it fits the script you proceed.
If it doesn’t you don’t.
Nice and easy right?
Not quite unfortunately.
While your romantic paradigm makes it easier for you to make decisions, it also makes it easier for you to make the wrong decisions when your paradigm is mistaken.
And what I’m here to tell you?
Your current paradigm about romantic love is DRASTICALLY mistaken.
It’s not going to work out the way you hope it will.
As long as you keep living in terms of what you believe about romantic love right now?
You’re going to be disappointed in the long run.
If you are like most people your romantic paradigm tells you to go out and find your one and only.
Your true love.
Once you find this person you will both fall in love with each other, commit to be together forever, and live happily ever after.
I’ve called this paradigm nature’s sell job.
“Romantic love” is just the way nature gets you together with your partner so some babies can be born and get on their way in life. Once that’s been taken care of, nature arranges for you to fall out of love so you will separate from your partner and start the process all over again.
How do I know this?
Because this is exactly what happens a frighteningly statistically high percentage of the time.
There is no question about this.
The evidence is in.
Your current romantic paradigm is not really YOUR paradigm at all.
It is NATURE’S paradigm.
It’s not there to serve your best interests.
It’s there to serve nature’s goals.
So what do you do when you hear this? Do you start to make different decisions in your love life?
Of course not.
Because you make all your decisions based on nature’s romantic paradigm.
To make different decisions you would need to have a different paradigm than you do currently.
So is that it then?
Are you stuck in a program that has nature’s interests in mind instead of your own?
Your romantic paradigm can be consciously changed.
But doing this is a very difficult.
It makes sense it is hard to change your romantic paradigm because the whole point of paradigms is to make it easier for you to live without having to think about every decision you make.
And nature definitely doesn’t want you thinking here.
If you could discard your paradigm on a whim every time you want to do something different than it tells you to do?
It wouldn’t be very effective helping you make the decisions nature wants you making.
So your paradigm needs to be stubborn.
It needs to be resistant to you questioning it.
It needs to have a kind of authority in your life so you obey it.
Nature has taken care of this by making you very EMOTIONALLY attached to your current romantic paradigm.
It has made you so you literally feel wrong if you disobey what it tells you.
This emotional attachment to your romantic paradigm is what makes you believe it is right.
Even against all evidence to the contrary.
Changing your romantic paradigm is a battle of logic versus emotion. I hope I don’t need to tell you which of these two forces in your life usually wins. Hint…it’s not logic.
Logic is the starting point to changing your long term love prospects for the better.
It is the key to taking control of your love life.
So you can really have the love you desire?
You need to first recognize the FACTS.
The ones that indicate your current romantic paradigm is broken.
Once you recognize this you can begin to make the change.
But what is ultimately needed to change your romantic paradigm is an EMOTIONAL change, not just a logical one.
Logic is only the starting point.
Once you logically recognize the need for change?
You can begin to reprogram your emotions to enforce a new paradigm.
How does this reprogramming take place?
Can you just change your emotions by a conscious choice of your will?
That would be great wouldn’t it?
But again if you could do this?
Your emotions would not be very effective in ensuring you follow what your romantic paradigm requires.
To change your emotions you need to gradually modify your behaviors so that new habits form in you that become emotionally reinforced over time.
By raising your conscious awareness regarding your existing romantic paradigm?
You can then begin to question its authority each time you face a decision.
You can begin to consciously enforce your new paradigm instead.
How would this work in your love life?
Let’s look at a few examples.
Let’s say you meet a new guy who you really find attractive. Your old romantic paradigm says you need to find your one and only, get married, and live happily ever after. This means you need to find a guy who’s willing to commit to you.
So when you meet a new guy?
You automatically feel like you should ask him if he desires marriage.
This feeling is natural given that your emotions are programmed by your old paradigm.
But marriage isn’t necessary to experience romantic love with someone.
And you’ve logically seen that monogamous marriages only work out 17-20% of the time.
You now believe LOGICALLY that your feeling that this person needs to be open to marriage is mistaken.
That is just your old romantic paradigm asserting itself EMOTIONALLY.
So you make a conscious choice in the face of these old emotions to leave the question of marriage and commitment off the table.
Instead you simply explore the romantic connection before you.
You recognize it doesn’t have to “go” anywhere.
When you first resist your old romantic paradigm it will feel very wrong to you, both now and many times in the future. Because you are emotionally programmed to believe it.
But over time as you speak to yourself?
As you consciously reprogram your mind?
Tell it again and again that your new decision is right based on your new paradigm?
Gradually your emotions will change as well.
They will begin to reinforce your new romantic paradigm in cases like this.
Let’s look at another example.
Let’s say you meet a terrific girl and you really connect and want to be with her. Things are going great until the day she says she needs to clarify one thing with you. She is polyamorous and has a couple other Romantic Friendships in her life.
Your emotions fire up because your old romantic paradigm says you need to find your one and only.
You can’t be with a girl romantically if she is romantic with anyone else as well can you?
Again this feeling is natural because your EMOTIONS about this situation have been programmed by your old romantic paradigm.
But you LOGICALLY know that monogamy is not required.
Not for two people to experience a romantic connection.
All that is required in this case?
It’s that you both feel the same way about each other.
And just like you can be friends with someone who has other friends without this affecting their friendship with you, there is no logical reason your romantic partner can’t have other romantic partners too, without this affecting her relationship with you.
So you decide to proceed with this wonderful new connection.
You continue to explore what you have together.
Since you’re enjoying so much how you value each other and desire to share yourselves with one another?
You decide this should continue.
As I said before this will feel very wrong to you both now and many times in the future.
You are EMOTIONALLY programmed to believe you must find a one and only.
But over time as you speak to yourself?
As you consciously reprogram your mind that your new decision is right based on your new romantic paradigm?
Eventually your emotions will change to reinforce it.
In cases like this you will eventually develop what polyamorous people call compersion. The feeling of joy for a romantic partner when they experience love with someone else in their life too.
You probably feel very resistant to these examples.
I expect that.
Because you are currently functioning in nature’s romantic paradigm?
I actually chose these examples for their extremeness.
Because I know they will cause your current paradigm regarding romantic love to resist like this.
This is important.
You must come to understand that your reaction here is EMOTIONAL. It is not based on FACT. It is simply a feeling you have because of the paradigm you currently hold to.
This feeling is not right or wrong.
It simply is.
It is right only according to your current romantic paradigm.
But what determines its TRUE appropriateness is whether that paradigm is truly serving you.
Nature claims you will be served by falling in love, finding your one and only, and living happily ever after.
That’s not what actually happens though.
I’m just the messenger.
It’s really up to you now to decide what you want for your love life.
To take the reigns out of nature’s hands if you’re brave enough.
What do you think? Will you continue to let this broken paradigm impact your love life for the worse or will you decide to change your romantic paradigm and take control of your love life forever?