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Why Exciting Sex Is Bad For Your Love Life

They say variety is the spice of life.

That’s why you like vacations or outings to high end restaurants.

And a whole lot of other things that tweak your excitement and sense of change and intrigue.

It makes sense you would apply this same principle to your love life right?

So why am I being a kill joy and suggesting this isn’t a good idea?

Well that’s not exactly what I’m saying.

An exciting time with your lover can be a lot of fun. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a good vacation now and then. A nice meal out to change things up is often what the doctor ordered.

But that’s the key point right there.

To change things up.

Of course new experiences on occasion can make your life worthwhile in various ways.

But a steady stream of such experiences?

That lessens their value.

It leaves you incapable of appreciating your normal day to day life.

When you become fixated on chasing experiences you can start to slide into an abyss of discontentment.

Why is this?

Because life isn’t an endless stream of excitement and change.

Nature hasn’t given you a body that can handle that.

When you experience exciting things?

An increase in your brain of a chemical called dopamine occurs.

Dopamine is what motivates you to want to do anything.

It’s an important part of your life.

But dopamine is also the brain chemical that creates your natural tendency toward addiction. The more dopamine you experience associated with a particular kind of action the less capable you become of experiencing satisfaction from that.

Whether it’s going to a new place?

Having a great meal?

Or experiencing exciting sex together?

The more you have that experience?

The less it gives you the same “kick.”

So you begin to crave more and greater such experiences.

Only if you increase things can you return to the dopamine high you had before.

When you apply this to your love life and specifically to sex you can quickly get into trouble. The more exciting your sex life the more addicted to it you become. And the less capable you become of enjoying it anymore.

Making love with your partner?

It becomes boring.

So you need to change things up.

Need to recover the thrill.

You might try something kinkier.

And that works for a while.

Eventually though?

That also doesn’t do it for you anymore.

This dopamine chasing pattern is a big source of dissatisfaction in relationships. By misunderstanding what’s really going on, you can easily start to blame your partner for it.

He’s just boring now.

She’s just is no longer exciting.

And so you begin to look elsewhere.

You might cheat.

Or break up.

Or divorce.

Or you might consider opening your relationship.

Seek out additional partners.

Anything to get back that lost feeling of excitement again.

Much of the supposed polyamory world is filled with people trying to seek newer and more exciting sexual experiences. They are trying to spice up a dead relationship.

If you read my post on polyamory you’ll recognize I completely disagree with this motivation.

True romantic love isn’t about seeking additional partners.

It isn’t about seeking additional or new experiences.

It’s not about seeking anything at all.

It is about being open to giving yourself to someone and receiving from them in kind.

Whether you’re monogamous or polyamorous in your relationships?

The problem stems from approaching your love life or anything else from an experience seeking place.

Instead what you need to do is EMBRACE the normal.

Begin to recognize it as wonderful and worthy of your affection instead.

Much of life is pretty normal and there is nothing wrong with that. There is a much deeper richness in the normal than anything excitement gives. Excitement distracts you from what is here and now before you.

While a vacation to an exotic place can indeed be a rich experience?

Exposure to that place day after day will eventually take away its shine.

Then what remains is the normal.

At this point?

You either become bored and seek a new place to experience?

Or you learn to take a walk down your own neighborhood street and appreciate what you already have.

You watch the people go by and appreciate the calm, deep experience of the normal.

Recognize it is rewarding over and over again without being diminished at all.

Going out to a great restaurant can definitely be a nice treat but ask anyone who travels regularly how amazing great restaurants are after you eat in them night after night.

Compare this with the pleasure and joy of making a simple meal together.

Taking the time to shop for its ingredients.

Cutting up the vegetables and preparing the dish.

Then sharing it with someone you love as you slow down to savor every bite.

The normal is really quite rich and when you come to appreciate it?

It doesn’t lose its flavor like chasing exciting experiences always does.

To get here you need to once for all give up on the dopamine chase.

In your love making seeking excitement and thrill distracts you from being present with your lover. From enjoying the deeper, richer experiences that can be had in the subtle sensations of caressing and melting into each other.

This is not an exciting experience.

It is an experience of BEING.

Being one with your partner.

You don’t enjoy this richness by seeking more and more exciting sex.

You experience it by slowing down.

By becoming more sensitive to subtle sensations.

What you want to develop in your life and in your relationships is a taste for sensitivity instead of sensation. To seek contentment instead of excitement.

You can experience sensitivity anywhere you are.

You can experience it with anyone you’re with.

It is the pleasure of the moment.

Contentment with what is here before you right now.

As opposed to the discontentment of excitement.

As opposed to endlessly chasing what is not here now.

What do you think? Am I a kill joy or am I onto something?

This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. Sunny

    Wonderful blogpost. I agree wholeheartedly with your points. Thrill chasing seems to have become the norm and it is sometimes confused with “having a big life.” Having a big life includes taking in wonderful new experiences, learning and growth, but the intention behind seeking them, I think, is different from this obsessive chasing people do to alleviate their boredom.

    Thanks so much for your post!

  2. Marie

    I agree as well. I don’t think it’s a good idea to start getting experimental with a partner early in a relationship, either. I know as a woman, the expectation to be exciting and better than all his previous lovers is strong. But just being present and passionate is more than enough for most men (and if it isn’t, that’s a good sign there’s a major problem there).

    But it IS important to keep yourself “addicted” to your partner if you want it to last for the long run. That’s why presence is so important, and being present in each other’s eyes (eye gazing). The present moment is ALWAYS new and novel, which I think is what you were saying about cooking dinner together and fully appreciating the normal moments of our lives.

    Yes, we need to meet new people, explore new ideas, and see new things together as a couple. That keeps the dopamine flowing. But not every day, or that becomes normal, too.
    After more than a year with the same partner, there have been only a couple times I felt something akin to boredom in bed. I realized it was because I was up in my head… thinking about what to do tomorrow or about when my orgasm was going to arrive… once I got back to focusing on the moment we were sharing, the boredom disappeared. So, to me, boredom in my love life is a sign I’m not present and need to connect with my partner.
    Getting in nature together and being present is also a great way to boost dopamine together. Nature is always new, even if you walk through the same park every day… if you are present, it’s always new and changing.

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