Be honest with me. You’ve asked yourself this question at least one time in your life right?
Probably quite a few more times than once.
Maybe you asked yourself just yesterday.
Most of us lack confidence in our own ability to draw into our lives the relationships we desire. So we ask ourselves this question a lot.
I suppose you started reading this post in hopes I was going to tell you something to make you feel better about yourself and build up your self esteem?
Tell you you’re really okay the way you are?
Well I do have a goal in the direction of your self esteem, but like most of life’s maladies the cure doesn’t come without a bit of discomfort and maybe even all out pain.
But before I get to helping with this question let me give you the short answer regarding why nobody finds you attractive.
Are you ready? Maybe sit down. Even put a stick between your teeth.
This is going to hurt.
The reason nobody finds you attractive is because you’re not attractive to them.
Did he really just say that?
Yep. I sure did.
This is a very difficult thing for you to accept but accepting it is the first step to fixing the problem.
Because until you come to grips with how attraction works and accept that it works that way, you are going to be very unhappy and unsuccessful in attracting the love you want.
You don’t have to like what I’m going to say.
I didn’t like what I’m going to say when I came to grips with it either.
It doesn’t matter how you feel about what I’m going to say, it is still true. You can choose not to accept it but that isn’t going to change the facts. Attraction works the way it works.
Now one thing that might soften the blow a bit here is you’re not alone. Everybody resents the way attraction work.
Oh wait a minute that’s not quite true.
The attractive people think the way it works is great!
It’s only the unattractive people that resent it. But that’s still the majority.
Makes sense right?
If you’re naturally attractive you’re going to enjoy the way everybody is attracted to you. If you’re not…well…you know the drill.
But did you notice one key word I used just there?
I said naturally attractive.
That’s a very important distinction.
There are naturally attractive people. No doubt about it.
And we tend to worship these people.
These are the gods and goddesses all our romantic literature and movies are made of.
Hollywood is full of them.
But not everybody who is attractive is naturally attractive. That means attraction can be learned.
You can do something about it.
You’re not a hopeless case of unattractiveness.
The reason you’re unattractive is you haven’t done what you’re capable of, to become attractive.
There is hope
But before you can change for the better here you need to come to grips with what the opposite sex finds attractive.
You might want to get that stick between your teeth again.
Guys find girls attactive because of how they physically look.
Come on girls. I’m not giving you any great revelation here am I?
Guys like shapely breasts, round buttocks, slim wastes, long hair, a pretty face, and stylish presentation of all of the above.
What? No personality traits?
While guys do also find your personality, intelligence and sometimes achievements attractive too, at a baseline level physical attaction is where it’s at for guys.
If you are over weight and present yourself in a slovenly fashion you are not going to draw attraction from most guys.
Even the good ones, who are attracted to more than just your body.
Because this is hardwired into us.
You can no more blame a guy for finding you attractive based on your physical traits than you can blame him for having blue eyes or black hair.
We don’t choose what we find attractive. It happens to us.
Sure I can “judge” myself morally or “on principal” and think I should be different on this. But that’s at the level of my rational mind.
Attraction is at a more basic emotional level. Underneath how we think about things.
It can be influenced moderately. What we find attractive does shift over time, usually by other things we find attractive.
But we can no more voluntarily “correct” what we find attractive than we can decide to hate someone who treats us well.
These are low level emotional responses to stimulae that occur naturally when the appropriate stimulae is encountered.
So if you want to be attractive to guys girls?
It’s your job to become that appropriate stimulae.
I’m not saying you need to love this. You need to accept it. You need to work with it. At least you need to if you want guys to find you attractive. If you don’t, no problem. Do whatever you want.
I talked with one girl who said she resented having to shave her legs and make herself up.
My response was simple. You don’t have to!
If you’re alright with most guys not finding you attractive go ahead with that plan. Nobody is saying there is any requirement for you to become attractive to the opposite sex.
But if that’s your goal, you need to change your plan.
You need to work on this and even get professional help from a personal trainer and image consultant if necessary.
You are quite capable of becoming attactive if you want to bad enough.
As a first step let me help you with your perception of this situation.
You probably think what males experience as attractive is shallow because it doesn’t reflect on your personality or character at all. You’re completely wrong about this.
It takes self discipline to eat consistently in a manner that will allow you to lose the weight you’ve gained.
To maintain it at a healthy level.
It takes persistence and effort every day to dress well and present yourself well.
It takes the same to go to the gym.
And to otherwise modify your lifestyle to sustain your youthful looks.
Don’t kid yourself for a minute that your physical appearance is not a reflection of your character. Except for those gifted with natural burning metabolisms we all have to work at this.
Guys do too.
When I changed my lifestyle to include a primarily vegan diet two years ago I gradually lost 30 pounds.
I desire to go further with this yet but I’m very happy I made this choice.
I maintain this lower weight because I did not go on a diet, I changed my lifestyle.
I also chose not to own a vehicle here in Vancouver so walking is now a natural part of my lifestyle.
A trip to Europe and seeing how those folks live was a big influence on my changes.
Am I tempted by the “good stuff” when I’m out with friends and instead choose those yam fries or that quinoa salad? You bet I am. But the other stuff doesn’t match my desire to be more physically attractive and to lead a healthier life.
Once you come to realize your physical appearance is a reflection of your character?
You’ll find this all much easier to swallow.
And the beautiful thing is you’ll also be much, much healthier.
What a perk for just making yourself more attractive!
So quit rationalizing and justifying being over weight and make the changes to your lifestyle.
It isn’t as hard as you think and you will love the results.
I sure have!
I suspect most guys are saying to themselves right now. “Yeah. That’s all correct about what I find attactive. What’s the problem?”
Did you hear that girls? I’m not lying to you!
Now let me talk to you guys.
Girls find guys attractive because they are confident, socially charming, and take the lead in a relationship.
They don’t care about my abs or my intelligence or my gaming skills?
Not at the baseline level.
Sure girls are somewhat appreciative of physical traits of course.
But primarily that’s because these reflect the character traits I spoke about with the girls.
Your physical body demonstrates what’s inside you as far as discipline and confidence.
They show your ability to go after what you want and to achieve it.
Wow this one was a killer for me. I really resented this when I first learned about it. Girls don’t care that I’m a Nice Guy? That actually makes me unattractive?
It’s a well known fact that girls like Bad Boys.
You mean all that philosophy and theology I’ve studied all these years doesn’t get me any browny points either?
It’s not quite that bad.
Girls do value intelligence but not because it is intelligence. It is because intelligence can give you confidence in tackling the world.
The point is what girls desire in a guy is the sense of his confidence in approaching life. This often translates into things like wanting a guy who is financially independent and strong.
But this again is primarily the case because it shows he’s capable of taking on the world.
And they do value Nice Guys in the sense that they want someone charming who makes them feel safe and appreciated.
They also want to be lead.
This one is still the hardest one for me to adapt to.
I’m a big equalitarian. Leading a girl feels like I’m not treating her as an equal.
I grew up in Evangelical Christian circles with all that patriarchy and male dominance that feminism has tried so hard to eliminate.
I would much rather have someone who wants to plan things together than someone who expects me to come up with all the ideas of what to do.
Or wants me to come up with choices she can pick from.
This is the modern age. Are you serious?
You need to come to grips with all this.
If all you do all day is play video games there isn’t a girl on the planet who is going to find you attractive unless of course she thinks your gaming competency somehow translates into an ability to make your way in life.
Making your way through a virtual world isn’t really training for real life.
It’s an escape.
If that’s you, it’s time to grow up.
It’s time to start figuring out how to survive and thrive in the real world.
It’s time to man up and “grow a pair” as the girls like to say. That’s what they are looking for. A “real man.”
A guy who can take on the world and can make them feel safe.
A guy who can take care of them.
Not primarily financially. Most girls can pull that off now.
But they still need the sense you could do it for them if it came to that.
After all, at least if they have babies with you there will be some period of time they will need you to do just that.
Unless you want a daycare worker raising your children.
I don’t advise it!
There are lots of theories as to why attraction works the way it does. Evolutionary biological theory says it all stems from the “caveman days” and what was needed biologically at that time. Even though we’ve completely changed the way the world works through our technology, our brains don’t know that and haven’t caught up yet.
Here is how it looked in caveman days.
Nature wants babies made. Healthy babies come from healthy parents.
So guy needs girl who is healthy to produce healthy children.
Girl with shapely body is healthy girl. Guy needs shapely girl. Ugh!
Nature wants babies made. Nature is dangerous.
Girl needs guy who can protect her and her children from nature.
Guy who can protect her will be confident guy.
Guy who can take on all dangers.
But guy must also care for girl so guy must be charming guy who will provide girl’s needs so girl can focus on raising babies. Ugh!
I know I know.
Can’t I just give him my latest report from my physical so he understands I can produce healthy babies even though I’m a bit over weight and don’t like make up and heels? Can’t I get her to realize as long as I have a decent job and help out around the house things will work out even though I’m not Joe macho caveman?
There you go again thinking with your rational mind! But attraction isn’t rational.
It’s emotional. At a very deep, autonomic level.
You’re not going to change this.
Work with it if you want to be attractive to the opposite sex.
Or quit complaining.
Those are your choices.
The question isn’t why nobody finds you attactive.
The question is, why are you still unattractive when you can indeed do something about it?
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