I had an interesting experience a while ago.
It was with a romantic friend of mine.
Our relationship was good.
Going strong in fact.
Nice and easy like love should be.
A friend of my partner asked her to go out on a date to a comedy club one night. This friend had met a new guy on Bumble.
She asked if my romantic friend would do a double date.
The Bumble guy wanted to bring his friend along too.
My partner wanted me to know what was up.
When she told me I said, “Hey maybe this other guy will take a liking to you!”
I was kidding around.
Not because I felt threatened at all.
This romantic friend of mine isn’t polyamorous.
But even if she was I’d STILL be okay.
For me polyamory is a two way street.
I don’t ask anything I’m not willing to offer.
I don’t believe you should try to own anyone.
My romantic friend said goodbye for now because her friend had arrived to pick her up for her “hot date” and romantic adventure.
About an hour later I heard from her though.
I guess the guys had turned into a no show.
So she and her friend were taking in the comedy night alone.
At least the show meant the evening wasn’t a total waste.
Later on I figured the comedy was likely over.
So I messaged my partner to ask how it was.
Her reply was brief.
“My date is taking me home right now.”
At that moment I experienced the most overwhelming feeling of jealousy and a great fear overtook my psyche completely.
The guys must have ended up arriving late.
Now this Bumble guy’s friend was driving my partner home.
I had kidded with her he might take a liking to her.
I didn’t expect it would turn into THIS.
I kid you not.
“Mr. Polyamory” himself was struggling with a massive fit of jealousy.
Being the INTJ guy that I am, of course this whole thing turned into a complete analytical, emotional disaster.
I cycled the whole thing through my mind.
It was one thing to meet at a comedy club.
Quite another he was driving her home.
Would she be kissing this guy before the night was through?
Would they make out?
Go further than that?
I don’t seek to physically escalate soon.
But she’s not my disciple.
So what would she do?
Of course as I reflected on this emotional overwhelm, I also began to ask myself why I was feeling this way?
I didn’t have any theoretical problem if she did.
Why was it so different now it could actually be happening?
As I thought about this I realized what it was.
Why you and I have this “natural” fear of letting our lover love someone else.
It’s not that you fear them loving someone else at all.
It’s that you fear they will stop loving you.
That they won’t value you like they value this person.
That they will compare you and find you lacking.
Of course what this shows you is you have deeply embedded abandonment wounds and insecurities that still need healing.
This always impacts your relationship life.
Jealousy has its source right here.
When such feelings come up?
The answer is not to run.
Not to try to protect yourself and avoid feeling pain.
Instead what you need to do is what I did right then.
Work through your feelings.
Let yourself really feel them.
See them for what they really are.
It is not about your lover loving someone else at all.
It is your own woundedness crying out for healing.
Later on after her date dropped her off my partner messaged me and confirmed that the guys had still never shown up.
Her “date” that drove her home that night?
It was just her friend.
They had enjoyed a fun evening of comedy together.
And that was that!
I’m sharing this story because I don’t want you to think being polyamorous means you’re impervious to jealousy or emotional fear.
Remember though monogamous people experience this too.
It is a function of your insecurity.
Not your relationship style.
This didn’t suddenly prove I am monogamous after all.
It just proved I can still feel insecure.
But the answer is never to let fear win the day.
Your love for your partner is what matters the most.
You should always choose the love you have over trying to avoid the pain you’re afraid you might experience.
You should always strive for compersion in your life.
To take joy in your partner’s happiness.
Wherever that happiness comes from.
Even if they find it with someone else.
So how about you? Are you still feeding your own abandonment fears or are you learning to love your partner with an open hand?