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What Gives With This Friend Zone Thing?

I’m a real experimenter with my dating life.

A part of what I’m about is trying to learn the best ways you can avoid the pitfalls in your relationship life and enjoy the aspects that make it all worthwhile.

I believe romantic love is what you’re really after in your heart of hearts but you often short circuit it by how you seek to find it.

So I’m constantly assessing how to open the way to love in my life, and consequently in yours.

I know. I’ve said it many times before. Dating me is a bit different…

Be that as it may I gotta be me and hopefully you’ll benefit from what I’m learning!

One of the big ones for me recently is how to avoid being put in the “friend zone” by a girl, but still develop a genuine emotional connection with her and not just be “out for sex.”

I first introduced this question as the battle of the sexes.

There is an inherent problem here. The more a girl experiences you as a friend, the less she seems to think of you as a lover.

In fact a girl I was with recently overtly insisted that friendship and romance are two concepts that just don’t go together for her.

Yikes! That doesn’t bode well for my preferred relationship style of Romantic Friendships!

What’s really strange about this is girls almost always say they want to be friends first and “see where things go.”

Well according to what I’ve just told you, you know exactly where things will go.

They will go no where beyond friendship!

In the seduction community this is a very well known phenomenon.

The pick up artists (PUAs) say that girls have three buttons on their foreheads: the Sex button, the Long Term Relationship button, and the Friend button.

If you press the Friend button you’ll never get to romance or sex with a girl.

Once she’s “friend zoned” you the possiblity of something more intimate developing becomes astronomically less likely.

The Long Term Relationship button isn’t much better.

While it does mean a girl thinks of you as having romantic potential, if she decides you are marriage material (or some equivalent thereof) she will try not to have sex with you so you don’t “love her and leave her.”

If you press that button with a girl it “friend zones” you as effectively as if you just chose to be friends with her in the first place.

This is why the PUAs say you’ve got to press the Sex button quickly with a girl.

Once you’ve had sex with a girl you’ve effectively short circuited this thing in her brain that blocks her from developing a romantic connection with you.

Of course this works great for players who have no relationship goals beyond a one night stand.

But they insist even if you desire a more long term relationship with a girl, you still have to get her to sex quickly so you get past this silly thing in her psychology where she can’t see you as more than her friend.

This is all completely backwards to me. In order to develop a deep connection with a girl I need to take time to get to know her. I want to develop a friendship first.

The more I come to know a girl the more my affection for her grows.

When my affection reaches a certain level, it becomes the most natural thing in the world to desire a deeper, more intimate connection.

What girls call “taking it to the next level.”

Because this progression from friendship to romance feels completely natural to me, my dating life consists primarily of nurturing friendships with girls.

And because my desire is for Romantic Friendships, I’m actually out to press all three buttons eventually.

How is all this going?

Well recently I’ve nurtured friendships with a few different girls. Although they’ve each told me in no uncertain terms how amazing they think I am, none of that translates into romantic connection for them.

In other words they friend zoned me.

At this point I don’t have any real answers to offer.

I’m still experimenting how to establish long term Romantic Friendships based on true emotional connection while avoiding getting sexual prematurely.

Sure I could learn the skills of seduction the PUAs use to get girls into bed.

And I don’t doubt if I did that a lot of girls would get hooked into me emotionally because that’s what having sex with a guy does to a girl usually.

But that’s not what I want.

Is that what you girls want?

You say you don’t like players who try to “get to sex” quickly with you.

Yet when we don’t take that approach you friend zone us and go have sex with somebody else anyway.

What gives?

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This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. Murr

    You say that at this point you don’t have any answers to offer, but you do. In my experience, your post accurately describes this relationship dynamic, and I would say it’s neither good nor bad, it’s just so.

  2. Kel Good

    @Murr – Thanks for your comment.

    I’m not calling it good or bad except insofar as it goes against our goals for dating. I know I can head to being sexual quickly and avoid the friend zone but then I don’t get the kind of relationship I want. If I take things slow and seek to get to know a girl first, I don’t end up with the kind of relationship I want either (unless I end up only wanting friendship).

    While as you say this may simply be “the way it is,” I’m not convinced of that at this point. I’m still exploring if there are other ways we can proceed that will preempt this tendency of girls to make our only choice “quick to sex” or “friends.”

    Stay tuned! 🙂

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