I regularly read a relationship newsletter.
It’s from a coach my friend put me onto.
I like a lot of what she says.
But every now and then she really misses the mark.
Like she did today.
She was writing about trust in relationships and how once you’ve been cheated on you can find it hard to really trust again.
You become hyper-vigilant.
Looking for potential threats.
Your partner feels it too.
They don’t feel trusted.
They feel constant pressure.
Like they need to reassure you that your fears aren’t real.
Then she said when a relationship is based on trust you both feel so safe and accepted, there’s just no reason to seek romantic connection outside your relationship. You are both the kind of person that nobody wants to leave.
That was when she lost me.
Because those two things are not the same.
Enjoying romantic connection with another partner?
It does not imply any desire contrary for this one.
You don’t have to wish to leave your first partner at all, just because you love someone else in addition.
You have the capacity to enjoy romantic love with anyone you experience it with. People experience love for more than one person every day.
Love is not a scarce commodity.
It doesn’t need to be horded or contained.
It is something to be shared.
Shared with anyone you experience it with.
The problem is this relationship coach is not taking her own advice. She’s telling you to trust your partner so they won’t do something you don’t want them to.
If that’s your goal?
You’re not trusting them at all.
Instead you’re trying to manipulate them.
You’re trying to make sure they won’t “betray” you.
That’s never going to work.
You need to trust them to love you because they love you.
Whether or not they love someone else too.
You have to realize your partner can leave you anytime and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
If they leave you?
It is because their connection with you has changed.
It’s lost its meaning.
It’s not because they love someone else instead.
All you can ever do is give them your love.
And receive their love for you in return.
Having the goal that your partner never loves anyone else is just perpetuating distrust again. The only way to truly trust them is just to trust them to do what they desire.
Do you really want your partner to stay if they want to go?
Why would you want that?
Isn’t it better knowing they are with you because they want to be?
There’s only way you can know that for sure.
Set them free and see if they still come to you.
What do you think? Can you really make your relationship more secure by trying to trust your partner so they don’t become untrustworthy?