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The Pain Then Is Part Of The Happiness Now. That’s The Deal

I wrote a couple weeks ago that I was wincing from a lost love.

One of my romantic friends had chosen to move on.

On to “someone else.”

And of course since her “preference” was monogamy?

That meant she had to leave me behind.

Not because she doesn’t love me anymore but because to be monogamous she’s not ALLOWED to love me anymore.

Oh right.

She can still “love” me.

But she’s not allowed to express that love anymore.

Not the way she has now for a very long time.

Now that she’s found a potential “the one,” she must cast our love aside.


This is one of the inherent risks I face as a polyamorous guy. At least when I fall in love with a girl who is not polyamorous too.

But I don’t choose who I fall in love with.

It doesn’t happen based on whether or not she thinks she can love more than me.

I fall in love with the person she IS.

The person I value who is right here in front of me.

She doesn’t have to be everything.

She doesn’t have to be “the one.”

She just has to be herself.

That’s enough for me.

I love who I love as unconditionally as I am capable of, in this mortal coil I find myself encased in. I don’t ever do this perfectly of course and that is part of what makes love a challenge.

But love is always an inherent risk.

Whether you are polyamorous or not.

You cannot guarantee what your partner will do.

Even if you try to wrap it in a nice safe package.

Whether religious or societally formed, monogamy is an illusion.

Commitment is a farse.

The only thing that keeps your love together is that you are loving NOW.

In the movie Shadowlands, Anthony Hopkins and Debra Winger tell the story of C.S. Lewis and Joy Gresham. They form a marriage of convenience so Joy can stay in England.

At first Lewis is not in love.

He is just doing this for Joy because he admires her.

But over time his feelings grow.

She begins to wrap herself around his heart.

They start to do the things lovers do.

They spend time together in intimate conversation and recreational companionship.

Of course as their affection grows they begin to make love.

But suddenly a tragic thing happens to their relationship as Joy discovers she has a terminal disease. This reveals to the budding lovers that she only has a few months left to live.

Suddenly Lewis faces the terrible thought.

He will be losing Joy forever.

As Joy looks at him with her adorable eyes?

She brings the truth to bear.

She says to him with tremendous bravery and strength, “The pain then is part of the happiness now. That’s the deal.”

And of course whenever I begin to love?

Especially one of my precious monogamy girls?

I must remember what Joy said here.

I’m likely signing up for this pain.

It is the price of giving her my heart.

As I’m wincing from this current lost love? I feel the potency of this statement once again.

The pain now was part of the happiness then.

That was ALWAYS the deal.

How about you? Do you agree it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

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