I decided this year for International Women’s Day to do something a bit different than last time.
Below is a blog post I wrote in October of 2015, when I was doing a lot of dating.
It was my first attempt to express my polyamory to the world.
Unfortunately I couldn’t quite get up the nerve to publish it at that time.
I couldn’t quite identify myself as polyamorous, as overtly as I tried to here.
I wrote a different one, that was a bit less committal on my part.
But times have changed.
I’ve grown in my assertiveness and being authentic with who I am.
So I thought now might be a good time to revive this one, for this special day.
It’s a bit long because I was still developing my writing style at that time.
Nonetheless I hope you enjoy it!
BLOG POST: WHY I’M POLYAMOROUS AND THINK YOU ARE TOO
I woke up this morning to an email newsletter in my inbox from a great blogger.
He had written a blog post asking what you would do if you only had one year to live.
What do you think?
How would you fill your last remaining time?
I’m sure if I surveyed everyone here, I’d receive a lot of different answers on what’s important. In my post Could Romantic Love Be Your Purpose? I laid some more of my cards on the table.
I believe romantic love is my purpose.
Is YOUR purpose, if you really think about it.
I want my lifestyle to be about making love.
This blogger’s post emphasized this to me again.
Just how important I really think this is.
Love is central to life, and romantic love is central to love.
It is central to my life now.
I spend ALL THE TIME I CAN making love.
Which is really an odd statement if you don’t understand what I mean. Why I say this is because in the past year I only had a couple relationships where I made physical love at all.
In fact this year, learning to be alone without a relationship?
That’s been the most important part of my personal growth.
I wouldn’t give up this alone time for anything.
But I did have two full blown relationships.
One very short and the other somewhat longer.
But I would insist that I’ve still made love the whole year long.
With many, many girls.
How can I claim that? Because of all the interactions I’ve had with all the beautiful girls in my life. And there’s been a lot of them. In the stories below I’ve changed the names to protect people’s privacy.
It began with all those email interactions with Russian and Ukrainian girls.
Girls I met through international dating.
Oh come on Kel are you serious?
I sure am!
In future blog posts I’ll share why I’ve explored this area and what I’ve learned through it.
That part of my love life began with Svetlana from Moscow.
She’s a 45 year old Russian girl who is seeking a partner.
Her 23 year old son will be leaving her soon.
She is beautiful and looks 35 and reached out to me through an international dating site.
Svetlana and I video Skyped several times. She was learning English and we had some interesting moments getting our thoughts across. I remember with pleasure a moment where she suddenly read my T-Shirt and laughed.
I forgot I was wearing one that says “Your IQ test came back negative.”
My heart went out to her because her husband cheated on her.
He never ever told her she was beautiful.
This astounded me because Svetlana was amazingly beautiful.
Guys just don’t get it!
I was also moved in one of our conversations, when her face suddenly shifted and she said simply “I feel very comfortable talking with you.” We were connecting. We were making love.
Then there was Anna from Ukraine who reached out shortly before her 24th birthday.
She wanted to get to know me.
We had some wonderful email correspondence.
I shared my desire for true romantic love and she shared about her life.
Anna is a lawyer in Ukraine and a young girl with lots of activities in her life.
I know what some of you are thinking.
Kel you’re out of your mind.
That whole international dating thing is a scam and she wasn’t real.
That’s okay because I know what I know.
I saw the video messages she created speaking my name and confirming the things she’d written to me.
We even discussed Fifty Shades of Grey! and I felt the emotion she was conveying.
I’ve explored that dating scene for almost 3 years now and understand the dangers and the logistics required to make sure you’re interacting with the real deal. Anna was the real deal. We made love too.
At that time another beautiful 30 year old Persian girl came into my life.
I remember the first time I met Faraneh.
Within 30 seconds she and I were carrying on humorous affectionate banter.
We were making love immediately.
Our love evolved over the next few weeks and came to fruition in a full romantic friendship.
We enjoyed many wonderful times together, laughing and talking.
I helped her with business things too.
Though short lived, that relationship was something we both needed and benefited from as we shared together at a unique time in our lives. We had fun. We made love.
My richest memory of Ukrainian girls was 31 year old Elena.
She is a Polish Ukrainian girl I spent 9 wonderful days with.
She was in California having her first baby boy.
She is a classy lady who is very successful in business.
Our first interactions were through Skype messaging and we became friends very quickly.
I had quickly decided she wasn’t in the cards for me, with that baby in the picture!
That changed though when my break up with Faraneh hit me hard.
Elena sensed something was wrong and asked me about it.
Her support was so mature and deep at the time, I decided I better give her a second look.
I flew down to California to spend time with her and see.
Over the next week and a half we discussed what we were looking for in a partner, what a relationship with children should look like. We decided it didn’t make sense for us but we will always be friends. Our minds and souls connected. We made love.
Since Elena I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing many other girls too.
21 year old Janet who discussed philosophy and psychology, most 45 year olds just wouldn’t get.
26 year old Marie who is business driven and liked the fact I wasn’t needy.
There was 38 year old Hardeep, who has two beautiful girls.
She’s leaving a relationship with a man who isn’t connecting.
When we met we expressed our shared desire for deep touch.
About what makes a relationship rich.
57 year old Alice is ready to start over again.
She wants a partner to share the rest of her life with.
44 year old Yvette is tired of guys who are just out for sex.
She is thinking its time to seek out deeper connection.
Then there is Bobby.
She and I went shopping at Ikea one Saturday morning.
Our connection was so comfortable I was amazed.
There have been many, many more.
As you can see I’ve spent time with girls from ages as low as 21 to as high as 57. To me age doesn’t matter. What matters is connection. I simply love girls and love being able to be with them. To be able to make love with them.
I love their energy and their cute ways and their quirky ways too!
Some of them like Susan (42) have a sparky energy.
It draws me to them like a moth to the flame.
Others like Janet (34) have a fierce intelligence.
It’s both frightening and inspiring to behold.
Still others like Irene (45) have a deep spiritual hunger.
She wants to live in connection with her source.
She makes me want to be with her for the communion of souls it entails.
Then there is Charlotte (24) who is mature beyond her age.
And Susanne (35) with whom I felt an instant affection and connection.
And Hanna (30) who I got together with for the first time recently.
Her exotic beauty already enthralls me.
Each one of these girls is special in her own way. Each one is unique. And I love them all. I enjoy making love with each of them.
This is why I’m polyamorous.
Because I experience love for each of these girls.
My love for one girl doesn’t change my love for the other.
Just as I find myself able to have friendships with more than one person.
I find myself able to deeply love more than one girl too.
I don’t find myself needing to pick between my friends.
Being with one friend doesn’t mean I cannot be with another.
When I’m with a friend I’m completely with him. My affection for my other friends, doesn’t entail this friend only receives a part of me. Love doesn’t work that way.
Each friend has one hundred percent of my friendship when I am with him.
When I am with a different friend, the first friend hasn’t lost any of my affection for him while I’m gone.
The same goes for my children.
Loving one of them doesn’t mean I don’t love the other.
I love them equally.
Love is limitless.
Each love you add to your life adds to your life.
And you add to theirs.
You understand this with friendships and your children.
Why do you think romantic love must be different?
I don’t find it is.
I’ve enjoyed each of these girls for the experiences I’ve had with them. I long to have even more rich experiences with them in the future. What level those experiences reach is up to them and up to me.
Sometimes I meet a girl and I don’t feel a physical desire for her.
My connection is more intellectual.
Other times I develop a heart connection.
One that could easily flow into a deep physical communion of souls as well.
I don’t try to force anything.
I just hold myself open to the possibilities.
I express my desire for what I would enjoy with a girl.
My experience from doing so is my life is enriched in every way. There are so many beautiful people you can experience and love. Why would you limit yourself to just one? You have so much love to offer, why would you not share it with many others?
Obviously I’m a guy.
I cannot express things from the standpoint of a girl.
But hopefully I’ve made it abundantly clear that I’m not a horn dog just trying to “get laid.”
I’m not an “out for sex” guy at all.
I think sex without emotional connection is empty.
What I desire is deep connection with a girl I’m with.
I enjoy this on whatever level she and I decide.
And as you can see its not just because I want to date younger girls either. I’ve encountered these feelings for girls across a spectrum of ages. Love knows no age limitations either.
If you read my first blog post What Is Romantic Love?
Then you know that I believe making love has both an emotional and sexual component.
In that sense you might say my claim to have made love with most of these girls is a category mistake.
I have been sexual with only a few.
But I don’t think I’m mistaken in what I’ve expressed at all.
With rare exception my connection with each of these girls was deep.
So deep that I could have made physical love with them.
I desired to.
There are few girls I really interact with on this kind of connective level, who I cannot see things moving in that direction if the girl I’m connecting with is open to it.
I see romantic love to be an emotional connection yes.
But one that is rich and where the desire to make physical love is present too.
Even if it cannot be consummated.
Maybe your partner doesn’t share your desire
Or is unable to fulfill it due to extenuating circumstances.
You may live physically far apart for instance, like with those Russian and Ukrainian girls.
You may be in a marriage commitment that is not open and you need to honor that.
But where there is emotional connection and desire for sexual fulfillment, there is romantic love all the same. And everything you do from that motivation with a partner is truly making love. The full physical union is simply the deepest expression of that love, and one that will be there if romantic love is present and opportunity allows.
But your societal programming for monogamy is strong.
You sometimes feel that you can only truly romantically love one person.
Your soul mate.
Your true love.
Disney fantasy runs deep.
I feel it too.
The ideal of the “one and only” is strongly programmed into you from an early age.
If I experience this too, then why do I still consider myself polyamorous?
Why don’t I just admit that this monogamous feeling means I REALLY WANT an exclusive relationship instead?
Because I can feel that feeling for MANY girls.
When I’m with someone who deeply moves me to love her, I feel like I could be monogamous with her. Until I encounter the next girl, who also makes me feel this way. Then I feel like I could be monogamous with her too.
Which means I’m NOT monogamous at all.
I simply feel fully loving with any girl I encounter, for whom I experience such feelings.
Maybe you’ve had this experience too?
If you have, I would suggest you consider this viable alternative to monogamy.
What I’ve written here is why I’m polyamorous and think you should be too.
What do you think? Is it possible there are a few international girls in your future love life too?