Have you ever wondered why life is so hard?
Why everything you try seems to fight you?
You read all sorts of business or relationship advice.
You try to put into practice most of what you’re told.
You say affirmations and try to “Secret” your way to manifesting the life you desire. But it all seems to just go nowhere. You feel like the harder you try the harder it gets.
Why doesn’t it work for you when it works for so many others (or so you think!)?
I spent many years in this state and felt like I was chasing wind.
I had such a strong desire to achieve and always had a positive mental attitude.
I was confident and believed in myself.
It was frightening how little self doubt I had.
I read all the books and articles.
I did everything they said would result in success.
I just experienced futility over and over and over. Those who knew me well were as amazed as I was that I never seemed able to achieve. My persistence was epic. Yet nothing.
Does this sound like you too?
Although I’ve talked about my business failures my relationship success was equally futile.
I just didn’t know how to connect and I felt endlessly lost.
In truth most of my business drive?
It was just an expression of the inner turmoil I was facing relationally.
Why was I trying to fill my life with business success?
Because I didn’t have any relationship success and didn’t know what to do about it.
Often you look at your relationship and think the problem is your partner.
Or it’s because you’re not doing this or not doing that.
What you need to realize is that most of your challenges flow from a lack of personal inner peace and calm. You come by this unsettledness quite naturally. Your parents didn’t know how to love you and you experienced emotional abandonment.
This happened either because one or both of your parents couldn’t express love to you.
Or they were so messed up themselves?
They leached off you to meet their own emotional needs.
This really messed you up.
You got emotionally needy because your emotional life was never fed.
You started looking for love anywhere you could find it.
You got artificially strong instead.
You did this so you didn’t need love from anybody.
You learned that being emotionally close means being drained.
I was this second kind of kid. All my strength was aimed at business and achievement and trying to reach a level of financial independence. Then I’d never have to worry another day in my life. I was afraid of intimacy and wanted to make sure I didn’t need anybody else.
Maybe you were the first kind of kid.
You were always looking outside yourself for somebody else to validate you.
To reassure you you’re really loved.
Both these approaches always fail.
While no one can fill the emptiness in your soul, you do need love.
You cannot go it alone.
You were made for romantic love.
So how do you fix this problem?
Of course you can go to therapy and work on yourself.
A lot of people do that and see some progress there.
You can read books and articles and “do it yourself.” That’s the method that usually works best for me. That “be strong” thing makes it much less natural for me to seek help directly from others now.
If you’d rather have someone else guide you though?
So you have lots of options.
But right now I want to suggest a radical option to you.
You can make love.
Am I out of my mind?
What does making love have to do with healing the emotional wounds you carry with you from your childhood?
Before you throw up your hands and walk away?
Thinking I’m just a crazy guy who has lost his mind?
A guy who has decided that “love is all you need?”
That love will solve every problem for you?
Give me a moment to clarify what I’m talking about.
I do believe making love holds the key to a lot of your issues. But you have to make love in a special way. As Yoda said “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
As a western guy or girl?
You likely rarely really make love.
You have sex yes and you chase orgasms and “get off.”
You’ve been told this is what making love IS.
You’ve been told this is what couples do.
That there’s something wrong with your relationship if you’re not doing it.
You’ve also been told this will relax you and re-energize you.
And in the short run?
It seems to.
But in the long run it does the exact opposite.
It actually ends up a big part of the long term relationship problems you face.
Because “making love” the way you do actually adds to your emotional tensions and reduces your inner peace.
In the long run as a girl you become tired of it. It isn’t fulfilling enough. It doesn’t address the inner needs for emotional nurture and connection you have. It doesn’t bring you inner peace.
As a guy you keep doing the same thing.
After all it worked in the beginning of your relationship!
Your natural sexual addiction keeps you wanting that orgasmic release.
As I’ve said before testosterone’s a bitch.
But the way you achieve this supposed release?
It’s only after a build up of additional tension in your body as you approach orgasm.
It is only THAT tension that actually releases when you orgasm.
Not your real stress.
You also receive a chemical shot right after that makes you drowsy.
This adds to the illusion you’re truly achieving tension relaxation when you’re not.
None of this really relieves you.
Not at the deepest level where your true tensions lie.
So as a guy you also fail to achieve inner peace.
And sadly you impact your partner by relieving this built up tension at her expense. These built up energies are released into her body as you climax. And she feels used. Which she should. Because she is being used.
You’re using her to try to relieve your tensions.
What is worse these energies you release in her?
They contribute to her own increased emotional tension,.
Then you experience it back from her in the emotional drama you fear from her so much.
Does any of this sound familiar?
I’m here to tell you there is another way.
A way that brings inner calm to all these restless emotional tensions you both feel within yourselves.
It is a calm that western life knows nothing about.
Western “love making” robs you of it.
Making love is the best kept secret to the relationship you long for. Both of you were actually made to make love.
When you make love the way you were made to make love?
Love making brings you both healing.
It becomes more than just a tension release or a thrill or excitement thing.
It becomes a meditative practice.
One you share in your relationships with your partner.
One that nurtures you both at a deep level.
Brings calm and inner peace to your souls.
What do you think? Are you ready to unlearn what you have learned?
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This Post Has 2 Comments
Interesting concept. I haven’t truly experienced feeling unfulfilled in loving relationships where we have mutual respect but I can see how that might happen after many years together, of just having sex the western way. Science will back up your theory about it being depleting for women… orgasm actually uses up ocytocin (the bonding hormone) in women… so every orgasm she has depleted her oxytocin levels, making her more “needy” or “clingy” if it isn’t built up during and after the sex. In fact, I think a woman actually requires a certain amount of oxytocin in her body in order to reach orgasm… which may account for those women out there who never or rarely reach orgasm… it could be a problem of just not enough real love and affection. Something to discuss during our next coffee chat 😉
@Marie – As always thanks for your contribution. I’m interested in your comment about orgasm actually depleting oxycontin. As you’ve said that bonding chemical is key to lasting connection in relationships, and something we’re chasing away from ourselves through western conventional sex. I’d appreciate if you could add a comment documenting where that fascinating tidbit is found, so readers can chase that down if they’re interested in exploring this question further. Thanks again!