Have you ever wondered why life is so hard? Why everything you try seems to fight you? You read all sorts of business or relationship advice and you try to put into practice most of what you’re told. You say affirmations and try to “Secret” your way to manifesting the life you desire.
But it all seems to just go no where. You feel like the harder you try the harder it gets. Why doesn’t it work for you when it works for so many others (or so you think!)?
I spent many years in this state and felt like I was chasing wind. I had such a strong desire to achieve. I had a positive mental attitude. I was confident. I believed in myself. It was frightening how little self doubt I had. I read all the books and articles and did everything they said would result in success. But nothing.
I just experienced futility over and over and over. Those who knew me well were as amazed as I was that I never seemed able to achieve. My persistence was epic. Yet nothing.
How about you? Does this sound like you too?
Although I’ve talked about my business failures, my relationship success was equally futile. I just didn’t know how to connect. I felt endlessly lost. In fact most of my business drive was just an expression of the inner turmoil I was facing relationally. I was trying to fill my life with business success because I didn’t have any relationship success and didn’t know what to do about it.
Are you in the same place I was? If you’d like to catch a coffee or do a Skype session to discuss this sometime I’d be happy to hear from you.
But I want to give you some thoughts right now on how you can find your way to a better place.
Often you look at your relationship and think the problem is your partner. Or it’s because you’re not doing this or not doing that. Maybe you’re not communicating your needs right or your partner is only thinking about his or her needs and not yours. Or a whole lot of other things
What you need to realize is that most of your challenges flow from a lack of personal inner peace and calm.
You come by this unsettledness quite naturally. You had parents who did not know how to love you and you experienced emotional abandonment. This happened either because one or both of your parents couldn’t express love to you, or they were so messed up themselves they leached off you to meet their own emotional needs.
This really messed you up. You got emotionally needy because your emotional life was never fed and you started looking for love anywhere you could find it. Or you got artificially strong so you didn’t need love from anybody, since you learned that being emotionally close means being drained.
I was this second kind of kid. All my strength was aimed at business and achievement and trying to reach a level of financial independence where I’d never have to worry another day in my life. I was afraid of intimacy and wanted to make sure I didn’t need anybody else.
Maybe you were the first kind of kid You were always looking outside yourself for somebody else to validate you. To reassure you you’re really loved.
So how do you fix this problem?
Of course you can go to therapy and work on yourself. A lot of people do that and see some progress there.
You can read books and articles and “do it yourself.” That’s the method that usually works for me. That “be strong” thing makes it much less natural for me to seek help directly from others.
If you’d rather have someone else guide you through the process I’d be happy to help you if I can.
So you have lots of options.
But right now I want to suggest a radical option to you
You can make love.
What? Am I out of my mind? What does making love have to do with healing the emotional wounds you carry with you from your childhood?
Before you throw up your hands and walk away thinking I’m just a crazy guy who has lost his mind and decided that “love is all you need,” that love will solve every problem, give me a moment to clarify what I’m talking about.
I do believe making love holds the key to a lot of your issues. But you have to make love in a special way. As Yoda said “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
As a western man or woman you likely rarely really make love. You have sex yes. You chase orgasms. You get off. Because you’ve been told this is what making love is. You’ve been told this is what couples do and there’s something wrong with your relationship if you’re not doing it.
You’ve been told this will relax you and reenergize you. And in the short run it seems to. But in the long run it does the exact opposite. It actually ends up a big part of the long term relationship problems you face. Because “making love” the way you do actually adds to your emotional tensions and reduces your inner peace.
I’ll have a lot more to say about this in future posts. What I want you to hear right now is that this western style of “making love” works in the beginning when you’re high on new relationship energy (NRE) and the honeymoon effect is impacting your emotions.
In the long run though as a woman you become tired of it. It isn’t fulfilling enough. It doesn’t address the inner needs for emotional nurture and connection you have. It doesn’t bring you inner peace.
As a man you keep doing the same thing that worked in the beginning of your relationship because your natural sexual addiction keeps you wanting that orgasmic release. As I’ve said before, testosterone’s a bitch.
But you achieve this supposed release only after a build up of additional tension in your body as you approach orgasm. It is only that tension that actually releases when you orgasm. You also receive a chemical shot right after that makes you drowsy too, adding to the illusion you’re truly achieving tension relaxation.
But none of this really relieves you at the deepest level where your true tensions lie. So you also don’t achieve inner peace.
And sadly you impact your partner by relieving this built up tension at her expense. These built up energies are released into her body as you climax. And she feels used. Which she should. Because she is being used.
You’re using her to try to relieve your tensions. What is worse these energies you release in her contribute to her own increased emotional tension, which you experience as the emotional drama you fear so much from her.
Does any of this sound familiar?
I’m here to tell you there is another way. A way that brings inner calm to all these restless emotional tensions you both feel within yourselves. It is a calm that western life knows nothing about and western “love making” robs you of.
Making love is the best kept secret to the relationship you long for. Man and woman were made to make love. When you make love the way you were made to make love, love making becomes more than just a tension release or a thrill or excitement. It becomes a meditative practice in your relationships that you share with your partners. One that nurtures you both at a deep level and brings calm and inner peace to your souls.
What do you think? Are you ready to unlearn what you have learned?