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The Best First Date Is No First Date

This entry is part 1 of 3 in the series The Best First Date Is No First Date

“Are we dating? Is that what we’ve been doing?”

She asked me this as we were discussing the past 10 days.

The whirlwind romance we’d experienced together.

At our second meet up I told her, “I can’t really explain why but I’m hugely attracted to you.”

Later that same night she told me, “You’re the type of guy I always fall for…I shouldn’t be telling you this.”

We spent evening after evening talking deep into the night.

We connected on so many levels.

But in all of this she still didn’t feel we were dating.

But I’m the culprit that was confusing her.

Because I don’t date. I just spend time with girls I experience an initial connection with, to find out where it goes.

I have no agenda.

I just want to see what will be.

I know this confuses you girls but I’m up for the challenge of re-educating you!

That initial connection can take a lot of different forms.

Sometimes it is just sheer physical attraction.

That “Wham!” that hits you and you really want to find out what’s going on inside there!

In her mind guys. In her mind!

Other times it is a cute personality that is perky and fun.

Or it could be a fierce intelligence that let’s me know there is a lot to depth to delve into there.

It’s different with every girl. Because every girl is unique and special in her own particular way.

So I just want to explore.

Experience her.

Which is why I don’t “date.”

“Dating” forces your interaction into a particular form that assumes only one potential result.

If that result doesn’t happen your connection has to end.

So “dating” is limiting.

I got into a lengthy Facebook comment thread discusson on this subject recently and had several participants disagree with me on all this.

Especially the girls.


Because you girls want to be “romanced.”

One of the guys heard what I was saying but insisted, “Yes but the girls want something to look forward to.” I told him, “Maybe they should start looking forward to being with you.”

You see that’s what connection and romantic love is really all about.

The person.

Not the event.

Not the props.

Not who asks who or who does what.

When I start getting to know a girl, I have zero agenda of what our time together should look like.

What we should do.

I’m there for one reason and one reason only.

To know her better and find out where that knowledge leads.

Am I open to a romantic connection developing?

You bet!

I’m all about romantic love and being open to that with ANYONE.

But you can’t really develop that kind of connection before you know who you are experiencing.

The real person before you.

You can’t experience the real person by forcing your interaction into a mold. The “dating” mold.

And you shouldn’t need to.

When you’re in love with the real person, it really doesn’t matter what you do or how you do it.

You just want to share yourself with them.

Because you love them for who they really are.

Of course you’ll do things together but it doesn’t have to be a “date.”

Just plan something you’d enjoy sharing together and share it.

“But Kel that’s all great once we know each other. Don’t we need to “date” first to get there?” No you don’t!

A “date” already assumes your destination is romantic.

How can you know that is your destination when you don’t even know each other yet?

“But Kel that’s why we date. To try that on and see if it fits.”

That is getting the cart before the horse.

Romantic love flows out of friendship and getting to know each other. If you try to put it at the front you’ll just get confused by biology.

It is NO DIFFERENT at the start.

If you don’t know each other, just plan something to do that will allow you to start getting to know each other.

A casual coffee or a walk is a good place to begin.

If you enjoy your connection from that, you can plan additional encounters.

What you want is to experience each other in various contexts that will reveal different aspects of yourselves.

And there is NO reason the guy has to do all the planning here either.

What if you’re better at that as a girl?

Oh but the guy is supposed to “lead.”

I can tell you, most guys’ imagination on all this is pretty limited.

Why force him to “be a man” like that?

What’s wrong with brainstorming and planning it together?

Your goal here is to get to know each other, not force each other into a silly fantasy game that keeps both of your “best feet forward.”

That’s the last thing you want.

What you want is to see those two left feet.

The warts.

The realities.

Romantic love develops when two people experience each other as they really are and still come to love each other.

IN SPITE of who they are.

BECAUSE OF who they are.

That can only be impeded by deciding you’re “on a date” and therefore certain things need to happen.

Girls I get it.

Nature has wired you to want a knight in shining armor to come and sweep you off your feet, so you can live happily ever after.

Society has encouraged you to look at things this way since you were a very little girl.

Now I come along and tell you that’s all wrong and it scares you.

Surely life is too short or boring or something else not to be “romanced” right?


You’re completely wrong.

It’s not fair I know, but you’ve been duped. Reality just isn’t like that. Neither is REAL romantic love.

Your idea of “romantic love” is a fantasy standing in the way of you experiencing the real thing.

A love that is based on reality.

A love that lasts.

I know giving up your fantasy is a hard pill to swallow.

But I promise you this.

If you’ll take the brave step to forget about “dating” and “romance” and “looking for your prince,” you will eventually find something much better.

A guy who loves you for who you really are.

Someone you will love for who he really is too.

Someone worth going “all in” for.

Because he will be “all in” for you too.

What do you think princess? Time to quit dreaming of that midnight rendevous and just go hang out with him and see where it goes?

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Series NavigationThe Best First Date Is No First Date (Part 2) >>

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