(Revised April 21, 2022)
So what is the point of having a relationship anyway?
I mean you’ve had lots of relationships in your life.
They didn’t work out so great.
Yet here you are again in another one.
Or hoping to be in another one sometime soon.
Maybe you’re deliberately not in a relationship right now. You decided it would be better to work on yourself first. Instead of trying to force it, you’ll just let one come to you.
But the reason you’re doing this?
It’s still so you can become the kind of person that will attract a relationship.
Okay, you might be one of those jaded people.
You’ve had so many relationships not work out for you?
You’re really not looking for another one now.
You’ve had it with the whole relationship game.
But the way you got that way was still by believing you should be in a relationship.
Trying it to the point of finally giving up
So even for you, the idea of having a relationship has been central, hasn’t it?
Anyway you look at it?
Your ultimate goal, just like everyone else, has been for you to be in a relationship.
My question is why? Why have you wanted to be in a relationship? Why should you? What is the reason to get into a new relationship this year?
Believe it or not?
Even though you, and almost every other guy or girl on the planet, feels drawn to be in a relationship?
Very few people ever ask themselves why they should.
And the people who do?
They come up with some very different answers.
And they’re not very good ones, even though most people think they are.
I’m going to discuss 3 of the most popular reasons people give, and tell you why I think they are really bad reasons.
Then I’ll tell you what I think is the best and ONLY reason you should get into a new relationship this year.
WORST REASON # 1: YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO THIS PERSON
This reason is actually very close to the truth.
It says the reason to get into a relationship is because you are attracted to your partner.
And they are attracted to you.
But attraction is really just about biology.
Your DNA wants to replicate itself.
It makes the two of you attracted, so the two of you get together.
It does this so you will have sex and produce babies.
That is NATURE’S goal.
Not very romantic sounding is it?
Yet at a very deep biological level?
This is why the concept of “romantic love” exists at all.
At least as you usually conceive it.
What matters here is your biology draws you to your partner, and you become interested in each other. Just long enough to have some babies, and get them on their way.
There is known brain chemistry to support this understanding.
New Relationship Energy (NRE) usually lasts between 6-36 months.
Just long enough for a child to be born, and reach moderate survival age.
Then you “fall out of love” and move on.
This too is part of your DNA’s plan.
More and healthier babies will be produced, if you have more than one partner in your lifetime. This is why guys are inherently non-monogamous, and naturally sexually addicted as well.
Did I really just say all that?
Is that really what I think the reason to get into a relationship is?
So Nature can achieve its goals?
Like I said, I think attraction is very close to the truth.
I don’t think it is the truth.
I actually disagree that attraction is the reason to get into a relationship.
I don’t think you should simply let your biology dictate how you live.
You need to work with your biology and recognize its place.
You are an embodied being.
You will be shooting yourself in the foot, if you attempt to contradict your biology entirely.
But you need to be SMARTER than your DNA. Your DNA does not have your personal relationship interests in mind. It’s just trying to keep the race going.
Nothing wrong with that per se.
But you are not the race.
You are an individual of value.
You should structure your lifestyle in a way that benefits you, not just the race.
Lots of babies will be born and the race will go on.
All without you letting Nature’s plan dictate your love life.
WORST REASON # 2: YOU THINK YOU’VE FOUND YOUR SOULMATE
This is the most popular reason for getting into a relationship in our culture.
And in many cultures around the world.
This reason says you are an incomplete person by yourself.
You are not whole.
The reason you should get into a relationship, is because you feel this LACK.
You know you will never be complete, until you find that special “someone.”
The person who will fill the hole in your soul.
Bring you to the place of happiness and bliss.
Okay, maybe you don’t phrase it this way.
Maybe you talk more in terms of “emotional needs” that you feel within you.
You think they will not be met, unless you find someone to meet them for you.
Any way you put it, you feel a lack in yourself, and are drawn to fill that lack through someone else. Your soulmate!
This relationship vision is portrayed in most romantic movies and stories you encounter.
It is programmed into you from a very early age.
Despite its allure though?
The idea that there is someone out there who can complete you, is predicated on a misconception.
This felt lack in your soul is not the absence of someone else.
It is a deep emotional wounding you have never addressed in yourself.
If you get into a relationship expecting this other person to make up for your lack, you are going to be disappointed. The relationship failures you have experienced in the past? Weren’t they often because you approached your relationships this way?
Don’t get me wrong.
You ARE experiencing a lack.
You have a gaping hole in your soul.
You’re just looking in the wrong place to fill it unfortunately.
WORST REASON # 3: YOU THINK YOU WILL GROW BY BEING WITH THIS PERSON
The third popular reason for getting into a relationship, sees relationships to be about growing as people.
This reason says the lack in your soul is because you have personal growth to do.
Nobody else can fill that lack.
Certainly not your partner!
You have to fill it yourself.
But you do so by entering a relationship.
One where the person you are with “mirrors” back to you.
Shows you the things you lack, so you can see them.
Begin addressing these “shadows” you find within.
The reason your relationships have failed, is you have projected onto your partner the things in yourself that need changing. In fact, you naturally attract to yourself someone who is a reflection of your own lack.
Someone who brings this lack out in you.
When will you progress and become a better person?
Only when you begin to reclaim your “shadow” as your own.
To do this, you use your relationship as the crucible.
One upon which you achieve personal healing in yourself.
So the reason to get into a relationship is not just because you’re attracted to your partner, or so they can complete you. It is for you to grow through the things they cause you to see, so you can move to a higher level.
I disagree that the reason to get into a relationship is growth.
Don’t get me wrong.
I believe you will inevitably grow through being in a relationship.
Unless you’re dead?
You’re going to grow through everything you experience.
But growth is not the reason to get into a relationship.
With all three reasons for being in a relationship we’ve looked at so far, the motivation is the same. In one way or another, they are all about you, and how you will benefit from being in one.
You are attracted to your partner because of how they make YOU feel.
Finding your soulmate will fill YOUR lack, or meet YOUR needs.
Being in a relationship will help you overcome YOUR shadow and grow.
I do think a relationship is about you.
It is not just about keeping the race going, that’s for sure!
But it is still the case that ALL THREE of the above reasons are the WORST reasons to get into a relationship.
Let me show you why now.
THE BEST AND ONLY REASON TO GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP
Then what is the BEST reason to get into a relationship?
The reason is…REAL romantic love.
Not Nature’s counterfeit.
The real deal.
But I’m not talking about Nature’s counterfeit.
Previously I have defined romantic love as follows:
As you can see?
I do believe that the reason to be in a relationship does have to do with YOU.
But I also disagree with the first three reasons on this too.
Because a relationship is not JUST about you.
The reason for relationship is because you and your partner see something in EACH OTHER.
That’s what makes the two of you come to be in love!
But what you see in your partner is not that you feel attracted to them, or that your needs will be met , or that you could grow by being with them. It is about something much more precious than that.
Ultimately all three of these reasons make the same mistake.
They all have a self-centred focus.
They are all about USING your partner to “get” something for yourself.
You want to get a feeling, or get your needs met, or get to a higher place of growth.
With each of these three reasons?
In one way or another, your relationship exists for some other purpose than ITSELF.
These three reasons all make your relationship a means to some other end.
Rather than the relationship being an END IN ITSELF.
Romantic love is an end in itself. It exists simply to BE. Romantic love is not about DOING or “getting,” it is about BEING with your partner in the present, and sharing yourselves with each other in the here and now.
As such, it can be experienced without trying to get good feelings from your partner..
Without having to fix a hole in your soul.
Without having to grow.
When you are in love, you simply want to BE with the person you love.
Why is this?
Because you value THEM.
You value who they ARE.
So you want to share yourself with them completely.
They want to share themselves completely with you too.
You enter a state of love which transcends all these other things, and actually becomes the root from which all these other things can happen in their own time.
Sure, you will find your partner attractive.
But that’s not why you’re with them.
Sure, you need to become a complete person.
But you don’t need to do so to be in love!
Sure you need to grow.
But your love is not for that purpose.
None of these things is a good reason to get into a new relationship this year. You should be with your partner for one reason, and one reason only. You desire to experience sexual fulfillment and emotional connection with them in the here and now, because you value them.
It is what gives everything else its meaning.
It is your true purpose.
The reason you are here.
So what do you think? Are you ready to get into that new relationship for the right reason this year?
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