So what is the point of having a relationship anyway?
I mean you’ve had lots of relationships in your life.
They didn’t work out so great.
Yet here you are again in another one.
Or hoping to be in another one sometime soon.
Maybe you’re deliberately not in a relationship right now. You decided it would be better to work on yourself first. Instead of trying to force it you’ll just let one come to you.
But the reason you’re doing this?
It’s still so you can become the kind of person that will attract a relationship.
Okay you might be one of those jaded people.
You’ve had so many relationships not work out for you?
You’re really not looking for another one now.
You’ve had it with the whole relationship game.
But the way you got that way was by believing you should be in a relationship.
Trying it to the point of finally giving up
So even for you the idea of having a relationship has been central.
Anyway you look at it?
Your ultimate goal just like everyone elsegive you is to be in a relationship.
My question is why? Why do you want to be in a relationship? Why should you? What is the reason to get into a new relationship this year?
Believe it or not?
Even though you and almost every other guy or girl on the planet feels drawn to be in a relationship?
Very few people ever ask themselves why they should.
And the people who do?
They come up with some very different answers.
And they’re not very good ones even though most people think they are.
I’m going to discuss 3 of the most popular reasons people give and tell you why I think they are really bad reasons.
Then I’ll tell you what I think is the best and only reason you should get into a new relationship this year.
WORST REASON # 1: YOU THINK YOU’VE FOUND YOUR SOULMATE
This is the most popular reason for getting into a relationship in our culture.
And in many cultures around the world.
This reason says you are an incomplete person by yourself.
You are not whole.
The reason you should get into a relationship is because you feel this LACK.
You know you will never be complete until you find that special someone.
The person who will fill the hole in your soul.
Bring you to the place of happiness and bliss.
Okay maybe you don’t phrase it this way.
Maybe you talk more in terms of emotional needs that you feel within you.
You think they will not be met unless you find someone to meet them for you.
Any way you put it, you feel a lack in yourself and are drawn to fill that lack through someone else. Your soulmate!
This relationship vision is portrayed in most romantic movies and stories you encounter.
It is programmed into you from a very early age.
Despite its allure though?
The idea that there is someone out there who can complete you is predicated on a misconception.
This felt lack in your soul is not the absence of someone else.
It is a deep emotional wounding you have never addressed in yourself.
If you get into a relationship expecting this other person to make up for your lack, you are going to be disappointed.
The relationship failures you have experienced in the past?
They were because you approached your relationships this way.
Don’t get me wrong.
You are experiencing a lack.
You have a gaping hole in your soul.
You’re just looking in the wrong place to fix it.
WORST REASON # 2: YOU THINK YOU WILL GROW BY BEING WITH THIS PERSON
The second popular reason for getting into a relationship sees relationships to be about growing as people.
This reason says the lack in your soul is because you have personal growth to do.
Nobody else can fill that lack.
Certainly not your partner.
You have to fill it yourself.
But you do so by entering a relationship.
One where the person you are with mirrors back to you.
Shows you the things you lack so you can see them.
Begin addressing these shadows you find within.
The reason your relationships have failed is you have projected onto your partner the things in yourself that need changing.
In fact you naturally attract to yourself someone who is a reflection of your own lack.
Someone who brings this lack out in you.
When will you progress and become a better person?
Only when you begin to reclaim your shadow as your own.
To do this you use your relationship as the crucible.
One upon which you achieve personal healing in yourself.
So the reason to get into in a relationship is not for the other person to complete you. It is for you to grow through the things they cause you to see, so you can move to a higher level.
I disagree that the reason to get into a relationship is growth.
Don’t get me wrong.
I believe you will inevitably grow through being in a relationship.
Unless you’re dead?
You’re going to grow through everything you experience.
But growth is not the reason to get into a relationship.
If you look at your relationship that way?
You are using your partner as a means to an end.
You are using them to help you get to a better place.
I’m not saying its always wrong to use people as means to your ends, as long as it is mutually agreed upon.
You do this all the time.
That’s how free trade works.
You exchange something you want for something I want.
A lot of people look at their RELATIONSHIPS that way too.
They even think in terms of 50/50 relationships.
But I think that’s wrong headed.
You should not get into a relationship because you think doing so will help you grow.
WORST REASON # 3: YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO THIS PERSON
This third reason is actually very close to the truth.
It says the reason to get into a relationship is because you are attracted to your partner.
And they are attracted to you.
But attraction is really just about biology.
Your DNA wants to replicate itself.
It makes the two of you attracted so the two of you get together.
It does this so you will have sex and produce babies.
That is NATURE’S goal.
Not very romantic sounding is it?
Yet at a very deep biological level?
This is why the concept of “romantic love” exists at all.
At least as you usually conceive it.
What matters here is your biology draws you to your partner and you become interested in each other. Just long enough to have some babies and get them on their way.
There is known brain chemistry to support this understanding.
New Relationship Energy (NRE) usually lasts between 6-36 months.
Just long enough for a child to be born and reach moderate survival age.
Then you “fall out of love” and move on.
This too is part of your DNA’s plan.
More and healthier babies will be produced if you have more than one partner in your lifetime. This is why guys are inherently non-monogamous and naturally sexually addicted.
Did I really just say all that?
Is that really what I think the reason to get into a relationship is?
So nature can achieve its goals?
Like I said, I think it is very close to the truth.
I don’t think it is the truth.
I actually disagree attraction is the reason for a relationship too.
I don’t think you should simply let your biology dictate how you live.
You need to work with your biology and recognize its place.
You are an embodied being.
You will be shooting yourself in the foot if you attempt to contradict your biology entirely.
But you need to be SMARTER than your DNA. Your DNA does not have your personal relationship interests in mind.
It’s just trying to keep the race going.
Nothing wrong with that per se.
But you are not the race.
You are an individual of value.
You should structure your lifestyle in a way that benefits you.
Not just the race.
Lots of babies will be born and the race will go on.
All without you letting nature’s plan dictate your love life.
In many ways the first two reasons for getting into a relationship are saying this also. A relationship is related to what is best for you, not just what is best for the race.
Finding your soulmate will fill YOUR lack.
Being in a relationship will help you overcome YOUR shadows and grow.
I do think a relationship is about you.
It is not just about keeping the race going.
But it is still the case that ALL THREE of the above reasons?
They are the WORST reasons to be in a relationship.
THE BEST AND ONLY REASON TO GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP
Then what is the best reason to get into a relationship?
The reason is…REAL romantic love.
Previously I have defined romantic love as follows:
Romantic love is the desire to experience sexual fulfillment and emotional connection that is mutually shared and enjoyed.
As you can see?
On one point I agree with the soulmate and personal growth reasons.
A relationship is not for the sake of propagating the race.
The attraction reason is totally wrong here.
A relationship really does have to do with YOU.
But I also disagree with those first two reasons on another level.
A relationship is not JUST about you. It is not centrally about your own personal lack or needs.
The attraction reason is correct on this point.
The reason for relationship is because you and your partner see something in EACH OTHER.
That makes you want to be together.
But even the attraction reason doesn’t quite get this right.
Ultimately all three of these reasons make the same mistake.
They are all about DOING something, ACCOMPLISHING something or GETTING something or somewhere.
They are all GOAL oriented.
The soulmate reason wants to fill your emptiness or see your needs met.
The personal growth reason wants you to grow to a higher level than your currently re.
The attraction theory says you should pursue what makes you feel good because you find it attractive.
So once again you’re trying to do something to GET.
With each of these three reasons?
In one way or another your relationship exists for some other purpose.
It doesn’t simply exist for the relationship ITSELF.
These three reasons all make your relationship a means to some OTHER end.
Rather than the relationship being an end IN ITSELF.
Romantic love is an end in itself. It exists simply to BE. Romantic love is not about DOING, it is about BEING. It is about being with your partner and sharing yourselves with each other. It is about experiencing love in the here and now.
As such it can be experienced without having to fix a hole in your soul.
Without having to grow to a higher level.
Without trying to get good feelings from your partner.
When you are in love you simply want to BE with the person you are with.
Because you value them for who they are?
You want to share yourself with them completely.
They want to share themselves completely with you too.
You enter a state of love which transcends all these other things and actually becomes the root from which all these other things can happen.
Sure you need to become a complete person.
No your partner cannot fix that for you.
Sure you need to grow.
Your partner may indeed become a reflection of that for you.
Sure you will find your partner attractive.
This will give you enjoyment too!
But none of this is a good reason to get into a new relationship this year.
You should be with your partner for one reason.
And one reason only.
You desire to experience sexual fulfillment and emotional connection with them in the here nd now.
Because you value them.
Experiencing THIS is what gives EVERYTHING else its meaning.
So what do you think? Are you ready to get into that new relationship for the right reason this year?