One important thing I’ve said you need to do?
Have zero expectations in your relationship.
Otherwise you’re just setting yourself up.
Disappointment is imminent.
In saying this am I telling you it’s never right to hope for anything from your partner? Isn’t part of what makes love meaningful the anticipation of what you’ll be experiencing?
Hopes are totally fine.
They are more like wishes.
Expectations are more like requirements.
You get angry when they aren’t fulfilled for you.
An article called Disappointment: The Emotion of Children points out the biggest problem with failed expectations is you can start acting like a baby.
When you put in effort for your partner and it’s not rewarded?
Are you emotionally devastated?
Or like a mature adult?
Do you recognize “worthy efforts go unrewarded” frequently.
“A child expects everything to go according to plan, and descends into passive pouting when preconceptions collapse; a grown man has the capacity to make the most of changed circumstances.”
Though your partner starts out as your “hero?”
Eventually his or her flaws will begin appearing.
Do you childishly “write them off” when they do?
Or stay “inspired by their strengths” like a grown up would?
Does your partner need to be “at the same level as you” or you think they’ve got a problem? Or do you recognize you also have more character development to do?
And what if your partner has a different opinion than you?
Or tells a joke you feel is inappropriate?
Do you let your disappointment get the better of you?
Or just recognize how boring it would be if you were both identical?
“When one adult tells another, ‘I’m disappointed in you,’ he assumes the stance of a parent speaking to a child; yet, ironically, it is often he who really needs to grow up.”
This is why I’ve told you all along.
Zero expectations is central to Romantic Friendships.
Instead of being a baby and demanding love?
You’re grateful for whatever your partner gifts you.
What do you think? Is there really any value in having expectations and setting yourself up for disappointment or is it time to stop acting like a baby and get on with the business of adulting?
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