I was speaking with a friend recently and he asked me a question.
Is it REALLY possible to do Romantic Friendships?
How do you deal with jealousy, when your partner is with someone else?
Never one to give a one sentence answer, below is what I wrote him in reply.
Yes I think nature has wired you TOWARD something “like” monogamy.
But only so babies can get on their way.
It has nothing to do with your desire for relationship. It is strictly biological and about reproduction. It is NOT about your love life.
You girls are biologically wired to want a SHORT TERM protector.
But only while your children are unable to fend for themselves.
Your actual pattern is serial monogamy.
Eventually you become bored and disinterested in your partner.
Because nature WANTS you to get bored and move on.
It wants you to do this again and again and again.
Guys are biologically wired to make sure they aren’t protecting someone else’s children. But they also have a biological imperative to spread their seed, since that makes the gene pool variant.
These two reproductive urges?
They make guys want you to be faithful to ONLY them.
But it also wants them to remain free.
To have additional sexual partners.
These natural wirings are probably why polygamy is the dominant historical relationship pattern.
They also explain all the unfaithfulness in monogamy.
On the part of BOTH guys and girls.
Polygamy obviously is illegal in the western world.
It also is not likely to fly with you girls again any time soon!
But all of this is JUST reproductive BIOLOGY.
If you want a happy relationship life?
You need to be smarter than your DNA!
You need to recognize the realities of nature’s patterns.
Configure your love life accordingly.
Configure it so you get where you TRULY desire, in spite of nature’s plans.
Enter mutual, ethical non-monogamy.
No, you don’t want it “out of the box.” You’re wired to want the above patterns instead. So you have to be CONSCIOUS in your approach to love.
You girls need to consciously recognize you are not TRULY monogamous at all.
If you pursue what nature makes you want?
You’ll only end up in heartache and pain.
Same goes for you guys.
If you just chase sex?
You’re not really going to end up happy either.
You need to find a way to make GENUINE relationships work.
As far as the question about dealing with the emotions of your partner being with someone else too, the first thing I would say is you girls are much more naturally monogamous. Even when your partner is not.
Remember you don’t share your guy’s imperative to go out and spread his seed.
I have had two open relationships (though not simultaneous).
In both cases?
My partners had no interest in being with anyone but me.
But I never make that any kind of expectation.
Even if you choose to remain monogamous with your polyamorous partner, there is an interesting psychological dynamic that happens. You won’t become bored like you usually do because he is not exclusive with you.
Being non-exclusive creates a kind of built in “preselection” in your relationship.
Preselection is a concept identified by the pickup artists.
You girls tend to be be attracted to someone you know other girls are attracted to as well.
By keeping your relationship open?
You know other girls can be with him too.
This is a GOOD thing! Trust me girls. It keeps you on your toes, not taking your relationship for granted.
But you girls can choose to be non-monogamous too.
Then your guys face what I’m talking about also.
The challenge of jealousy?
We ALL face it of course.
Precisely because we ARE wired to want these faux “monogamous” patterns.
That doesn’t make these patterns helpful to your love life though.
Add on all your attachment wounds, created by the pain your parents unintentionally inflicted, and the whole thing becomes quite a mess!
But again, you CAN be smarter than your DNA.
You can actually EMBRACE jealosy and be grateful for it.
It takes conscious work to recognize your possessiveness.
To recognize your jealousy when it arises.
To learn to process those emotions when they come.
Many people say, “See. The fact you experience jealousy proves non-monogamy isn’t NATURAL!”
And they are right from a biological, REPRODUCTIVE perspective, as I’ve said.
But what’s natural about relationships ENDLESSLY ending in divorce? Or remaining together no matter HOW UNHAPPY it makes both you and your partner feel?
And monogamous people never experience jealousy RIGHT?
I’m no longer a believer in monogamy.
Because I AM a believer in romantic love.
Monogamy KILLS romantic love.
Not very many people like what I’m saying.
But the statistics are all in.
Long term monogamy DOESN’T WORK.
Serial monogamy is BRUTAL too.
It really is time for you to try things a different way.
I’m not talking about chasing multiple relationships. I am quite content when I’m in a single relationship and just remain open to experiencing additional love if it comes.
Very much this FRAME of openness?
It makes all the difference for your love.
Loving each other with an open hand.
That’s what gives this approach its wings!
For guys and girls.
You BOTH win!
So what do you think everybody? Time to start learning to process those jealous feelings so you can enjoy real romantic love in your life?