This was the reply of my then fiance.
When someone warned her about my “problem.”
Thought she should know before she married me.
But my fiance lacked a Christian background.
She grew up in the real world.
Knew the score about male sexuality.
I guess you could say even back then I knew how to pick out a cool girl when I saw one. I wasn’t one for falling for the prudish little Christian girls at church.
My longest relationship before that?
It was with a girl who showed up at church one day.
Straight from a life of dropping acid and getting stoned.
She is the girl I got the most sexual with ever too.
Before finally getting my “license to screw.”
What a friend of mine was wont to call marriage.
But my cool girl at the time?
She had no issue with that.
She thought, “So what if he looks at porn and gets off?”
That just didn’t matter to her.
What she was looking for?
Connection between the two of us anyway.
But that was just the problem. You see my porn addiction was really just a symptom of a much deeper rooted issue I faced.
I remember the incredulity of our marriage counselor.
I told him my porn addiction had nothing to do with my partner.
Made sense to me.
It pre-dated her.
I brought it into our relationship.
It was not driven by dissatisfaction with her at all.
I was just hooked on the drug.
The endorphins I experienced.
The dopamine high from getting off.
When my poor little bride found out on her wedding night I freaked out when we tried to have sex together? Well then yes, at that point she started to worry what exactly she had gotten herself into.
Things didn’t improve from there.
I became a sexual avoider.
I can count the times we had sex on my complete set of fingers.
I did everything I could to find something else to do instead.
The few times we did make love if you could call it that?
I prematurely ejaculated and in a minute or two and that was it.
Maybe you’re a guy or girl and you’re identifying with what I’m talking about right now. You hate sex. Wish it didn’t exist. Wish your partner could just learn to live without.
If that’s you?
Welcome to the party!
I know EXACTLY how you’re feeling.
Not because I feel that way anymore.
I learned how to overcome my fear of intimacy.
You can too!
Need someone to talk with?
You don’t need to go this alone.
How about you? Are you or someone you know right now struggling with how to connect with your own sexuality?
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