I’ve talked to you girls a lot.
About this criteria list making you do.
I know your dating coaches tell you that’s a good idea.
But some of you take this preoccupation to a completely unneeded level.
So I wanted to chat with you a bit about this once again.
One girl on Match.com worked in the HR department at her place of employment. She was confident she could short list her dating life the way she does with job applicants at work.
I tried to meet up with her to see if we’d connect.
She would hear nothing of it.
From our very brief interaction online?
She was already confident I wasn’t “the one.”
Of course since I’m definitely not “the one” for anybody now, you could say this was a fair enough assessment. What made the whole thing funny though is she thought she already knew.
Our interaction was so brief.
Because that’s my standard approach.
The only purpose of online dating?
To identify people who are looking for someone too.
Until you meet in person though?
It really is a crap shoot whether you’ll click.
Not so in the mind of yet another girl I met when I went to a meetup one evening. She also was determined to streamline her dating life so she didn’t “waste her time.”
What was her answer to this conundrum?
A 2-3 hour phone interview!
If you weren’t the kind of guy who could pass that test?
She was certain you would not be her type.
I suggested she might be filtering a bit too hard.
What if “the one” isn’t great on the phone?
“No,” she insisted. “If a guy can’t do that, then we definitely won’t get along.”
Of course as I probed a bit more there was another little secret she wasn’t quite outing about herself in the beginning. She actually doesn’t trust herself to be discerning enough in person with anyone.
Typical of so many of you girls?
She feels her emotions would get the best of her.
If she is in the presence of a guy she is attracted to?
Her brains will get checked at the door.
This was pretty amazing to me.
This girl was in her late 40s.
She is also a psychologist.
And that’s her level of self-control?
Needless to say it begins to become obvious why you girls think you need this criteria list at all. You are so addicted to being “swept of your feet,” you cannot trust yourself to use your intelligence when you should.
The problem with all of this?
It should be obvious by now.
Romantic love is not a job position.
You cannot “short list” lovers.
You cannot “interview” away “deal killers” either.
You cannot side step your personal agency and responsibility.
While it apparently disturbs you girls to absolutely no end, you simply cannot second guess how love will go. Romantic love is an encounter of desire that comes from truly knowing someone for who he is.
To get to that point?
You cannot do everything you can to avoid an actual encounter.
An experience with a real flesh and blood guy.
I know everybody today tells you to make this all efficient.
But true love is inherently messy.
Somebody’s got to let you know.
Instead of trying to interview and pre-screen dates, here is a novel idea instead. Just look at this whole thing as an adventure and take the risk of meeting guys cold.
Don’t ask a bunch of questions in advance.
Don’t interview anybody.
If a guy expresses interest in you?
Just give him a chance.
You never know.
You might just meet the right guy if you quit worrying about whether he IS the right one.
Love has a way of sneaking up on you.
It does it when you least expect it.
When you quit worrying about whether or not it will.
What do you say girls? Time to take off your HR hat and put your heart back on your sleeve again?