As she left my place early that morning she smiled and said goodbye, but I could feel that something was off.
I knew she hadn’t slept well.
But she had chosen to leave early too.
And she was pretty quiet as she made her way out the door.
A couple minutes after her departure, I knew I had to clear the air.
So I messaged her saying simply, “I know you’re tired but that still felt weird. Did I hurt your feelings somehow?”
She didn’t reply quickly like she usually does.
And because this was a Facebook PM I knew she had read my message. (Must do a blog post about that sometime!)
So I waited.
Finally several minutes later she wrote back simply, “A little yes and I would rather not discuss it.”
I replied, “Okay. I am sorry and want you to share when you’re ready.”
And that was that.
So if this had happened between you and your partner, what would you be feeling right now?
Is it over?
Have I wounded her beyond repair?
Why won’t she talk about it?
What caused her to feel this way?
Was it this? Maybe that?
You know the drill.
If you’ve been in a relationship with anyone for any length of time, you’ve had something like this arise between you.
As you might suspect, I approach my relationship life with a pretty level head.
But for a minute after this little interchange, some really wild emotionally driven thoughts possessed me.
“See, relationships just don’t work!”
“Kel you say romantic love can be easy, yet here you are blowing it anyway!”
“Now you can see why it’s important to be polyamorous, because you never know when somebody will bail on you!”
When that last thought struck me, it really made me afraid. Is that really why I advocate Romantic Friendships? Because I just want to insulate myself from loss?
In this moment of self doubt I asked myself some questions.
“Kel do you really care that little about the girls in your life?
Are you really ready to bail and go be with somebody else, the minute you experience conflict?
Then I had to stop and realize how silly all these emotions really were.
Because I wasn’t bailing on my relationship at all.
Within moments of her departure, when I realized something was off, the very first thing I did was message her to open up our communication lines.
I did this so we could begin moving toward each other and seek a resolve.
I wanted her to know I loved her and felt bad that I’d hurt her somehow.
And then I did something else that was very good but very uncharacteristic of the analytical guy I am.
I didn’t try to figure out what I’d done to hurt her.
Yes I could see various possible moments where something might have been taken wrong, or where I might have seemed insensitive.
But for once in my life I realized there was really no point in stewing over it. Because all I would end up doing was worrying about a bunch of things that weren’t the real reason at all.
Instead I relaxed and knew when she was ready, she would tell me what it was.
Then I could spend my energies on the actual cause.
Not waste them on a bunch of things that weren’t.
And even when she said she didn’t want to discuss it, I didn’t worry.
Because I know our relationship is solid.
She’s a level headed girl but she’s still a girl. Still a human being.
She needs time to process things. Just like I do.
I knew when she was ready she would indeed be back to me, which she did that very same day, returning to see me so we could sort things out.
You see she cares about me and knows me so well.
While she knew she could wait until later, she also didn’t want my analytical mind to start cycling on this either.
So she reached out to me quickly and we talked things through.
We all experience moments of hurt.
Times when something our partner does is unexpected.
Doesn’t seem to take our feelings into account.
I hope you’ll never think I’m presenting Romantic Friendships as a panacea to human reality.
Any relationship will have its ups and downs.
These are the times when you demonstrate your true feelings about your partner.
How much you value him or her.
Running every time something goes awry, shows you really don’t have much investment in your connection.
I’ve talked a lot here about the different relationship options you have available to you today.
None of them insulate you from potential relationship conflicts.
No matter which way you choose to configure your love life, you will always need to be sensitive when these times arise, and seek to resolve them lovingly.
But let me tell you the reason this experience really took me for a loop.
The fact is, this partner and I just don’t have these experiences.
We began our relationship a year ago and this is the first time we’ve ever had something like this happen.
We had one real conflict in an entire year!
I’ve written before about how relationships don’t have to be hard. That they can be easy.
This is what I’m talking about.
I’m not suggesting that if you experience conflict more frequently than this, that there’s something wrong with you or your relationship.
Everyone is different and processes their experiences differently too.
Your mileage may vary.
But there is a little secret you need to realize, no matter how you configure your love life.
Relationships just don’t work.
You are the one who makes them work.
But they are worth putting in that effort!
If you carefully pay attention to what makes them work and what doesn’t, you can reduce the times you run into conflict and enjoy most of your time together in connection.
That’s what I write about here.
That’s what I work with couples to achieve.
Is your relationship in trouble right now?
Is the hurt in your relationship greater than the loving feelings you’re desiring?
Are you struggling to find your way through?
Have you almost given up?
I think you can see from what I’ve written, I know how to help you.
You can have the love you desire!
Don’t keep struggling alone – book your FREE consultation today!
What do you think? Is your relationship worth working for?