I haven’t really talked a lot yet about the question of children.
It is a known fact that you girls are biologically wired to want one or two kids, before your time on earth is done.
I’ve even read girls online who are very frustrated by this fact.
Consciously they don’t want kids.
But their bodies have other ideas.
And of course we know that even if you’re not thinking kids right now, you’re still wired to be attracted to someone who could provide for you and the kids you’re not wanting yet.
But assuming you want to get with the “kid program,” this creates its own set of unique problems.
That is if you want to be in love.
Because kids are brutal on love.
They take massive amounts of time and attention, that you should be giving to your love life.
They cause you to deprioritize romantic love, “fitting it in” here and there, often late at night when you’re both exhausted.
Or on occasional “get away weekends,” possibly a couple times a year.
I hope I don’t have to tell you there is absolutely no way you’re going to sustain the feeling of romantic love with your partner, on that kind of sporatic, low quality schedule?
If you’re married with children you have to take control of this.
You have to prioritize your undivided attention time with your partner, ahead of the time you give your kids.
How it that possible?
By making it a priority and getting it done.
Schedule your life together.
Family time comes second, not first.
If all your partner becomes to you is part of the household maintenance team, it won’t be long until your partner is not your lover any more.
Like I said, provider or lover…you have to pick.
Love takes time.
Undivided attention time.
Time where you and your partner talk, and do things together, and express affection for each other, and make love.
One of my favorite pro-monogamy psychologists is Willard Harley, author of His Needs Her Needs.
Harley believes you should schedule a minimum of 15 hours of undivided attention time with your partner every single week.
15 hours miniumum!
He even says if you’ve had time away from each other because of a business trip of other commitments, you should double that time to 30 hours.
Yes. Double it!
You need to nurture your connection.
Or you’ll lose it.
You see nature doesn’t have your love life in mind.
It’s only goal is to get you together with someone long enough to get some kids on the way.
That’s why new relationship energy (NRE), that special mix of attraction chemicals that makes you and your partner believe you’re “in love,” normally lasts between 6 months and 3 years.
Just enough time to get some kids on their feet.
Then nature wants you to break up and start the process all over again.
This is why I’ve called serial monogamy the last great modern hold out.
We know traditional long term monogamy doesn’t work.
In fact statistically it fails.
But you’re still wired to want a “one and only.”
I’ve called “romantic love” nature’s sell job for a reason.
Because of how this all works, I normally don’t recommend getting married or having kids. Because both are brutal on your love life.
There will always be enough people who won’t follow my advice to ensure the race continues!
Nature has made sure of that.
Not only by making you girls want kids before you die, but by making guys naturally sexually addicted.
But I don’t think you should just follow nature, even if your body tells you to have kids.
Not if you value romantic love.
Finding a provider has nothing to do with finding love in your life.
You don’t need someone to marry you, or move in with you, or otherwise blend their domestic life with you, to enjoy romantic connection.
All you need for love…is a lover.
Someone who shares your desire to experience sexual fulfillment and emotional connection that’s mutually shared and enjoyed.
“But what if I still want kids?”
I’ll write in the future about some alternative ways people are addressing the question of families.
What you need to be completely aware of right now though, is how much time and commitment kids really take. Do you really want your love life to face that challenge?
If you do, just don’t go in unawares.
And make sure your partner understands the implications too.
Don’t be naive and think you’ll just beat the odds.
There is absolutely no reason to believe you will.
Harley says your first 15 hours a week should be committed to undivided attention time with your partner. He says you should commit another 15 hours to family time.
But family time comes second, never first.
Do you really value romantic love above all else?
Is what you want more than anything is to love and be loved?
Then I highly recommend passing on the provider program altogether.
Just keep your heart open to love with anyone you experience that special connection with.
Love is the most important thing in life.
Be sure you find it and have and hold it in a way that truly makes sense for you.
So which do you pick, provider or lover? Or do you still think you can beat the odds that are so stacked up against you?