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Okay Maybe She’s Not Haughty, Just Insecure

In a recent blog post I suggested you guys do a bit of a rethink on who you find attractive.


You like a girl who is a hottie.

The slimmer and cuter and more fashionably dressed the better.

She is exactly what your DNA is calling for. 

The perfect child bearing specimen.

But that doesn’t make her good relationship material.

And it usually makes her haughty and up on herself.

But some of you questioned me on this claim.

Because you know girls who are hot like I’m describing but instead of them feeling entitled and making you pay for the privilege of being with them, they don’t really believe they’re hot at all.

I admit it.

There is another kind of hottie who is the complete opposite of the haughty, self proclaimed gift to mankind I spoke about in my previous blog post.

This other type of hottie doesn’t believe she’s hot.

She has always thought of herself as the “ugly duckling.”

Guys can be lining up to get with her and she just doesn’t understand why.

You may be thinking, “See Kel! That girl who is hot on the outside but sweet on the inside does exist!. And she’s not rare at all! These girls are everywhere! That’s the kind of girl I want to get with!”

Slow down junior.

You’re not out of the deep water just yet.

Yes there are a LOT of this kind of hot girl too.

They may even outnumber the haughty ones, though I’d make a guess they are about equal…at least in Vancouver!

But these girls are NOT the kind of sweet girl I was talking about in that previous post.

The sweet girl I was talking about is comfortable in her own skin.

She’s a giver not a taker.

She’s just nice to be with.


The girl you’re describing here is completely high maintenance. Because she is completely insecure.

She seeks her validation outside herself.

Because she has no confidence in her own worth and value?

She is going to be constantly seeking that validation from you.

Which is going to make her very clingy.

Talk about an invitation to become emotionally avoidant on your part!

If you’re already a natural avoidant?

Your relationship will be the roller coaster ride from hell!

The problem though is if you’re naturally more avoidant in your personality, you’re likely hugely attracted to this kind of hottie girl.

I know this because I am a naturally avoidant type too.

These attractive insecure girls put off an energy that is like crack to me.

I really have to guard against it because it is so alluring.

Maybe you find this as well.

Why do these girls have this kind of effect on you?

The answer is because of your own emotional woundedness.

It goes way back into your childhood.

I work with guys to understand all this and there’s way more to it than I can cover here.

If you’d like to explore this area hit me up for a coffee or a Skype session!

Without getting into all the detail here, you’ve probably always been a guy who likes to “save” girls in one way or another.

In fact you’re usually attracted to girls who seem to need saving.

This is a known dynamic that has been dubbed the “co-addicted tango.” These relationships have an ongoing “push pull” experience.

When one partner is pulling away the other is chasing.

When the chaser finally gives up and turns away, the one who has been running turns around and starts to chase.

Back and forth it goes.

Over and over and over…

Any of this sounding familiar?

This is the dynamic you will always end up in with these hotties who don’t know they’re hot!

I should mention too that those hotties who are haughty?

They’re insecure too.

But instead of being clingy they will be avoidant.

Their “bitch shields,” as the pickup artists call them, are a part of their narcissistic armor to not really let you in.

So no.

The hottie who is hot on the outside but sweet on the inside is indeed a very rare bird. Sorry to disappoint you.

You’re still going to have to learn to battle your natural attraction inclinations a bit.

That is if you want to end up with a truly sweet girl!

But as I said in my last blog post?

She’s well worth the effort.

And she’ll make a lot of effort for you too!

What do you think guys? Is it worth it to hold out for the real deal?

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