You may think the most important thing to making love work is really caring.
You should want to be with your partner more than anything.
Put him or her first in your life.
Guard your heart for your partner and make sure they know it’s theirs.
Do everything you can to show that they are all you really want in life.
Be their devoted lover.
But that’s completely wrong. The most important thing you can do for your love life is not really care at all.
Not really care.
I know this sounds counter intuitive.
But I see it over and over and over again.
You put your lover first and lose yourself in the process. If you’re single you make finding love your goal and your obsession.
Then everyone you meet is a prospect and you worry about how you’ll come across.
Will he like me?
Will she think I’m interesting?
What should I say to her?
Why hasn’t he called?
You do the same thing in your relationships. You’re clingy and needy and desparate to be loved.
So you push your lover away.
You see, nobody wants to be with someone who can’t live without them.
It makes them feel like they’re running a charity.
It makes them wonder what’s wrong with them, that they’ve attracted someone so unable to be on their own.
I see this a lot with the introverted guys I work with as clients, who want to meet girls.
You’re TOO DESPARATE. Girls sense this in you and feel repelled.
The problem is you care too much.
It matters too much to you whether you make the right impression.
Whether she’ll find what you say funny or intelligent or interesting.
You’re problem is you care.
That is the key to finding and keeping love.
Become happy with yourself.
When you meet a girl you’re inviting her into your life.
You’re not begging her to get with you.
You are a worthwhile person and you’re giving her the chance to recognize that.
To want to enjoy that.
To want to be with you because of who you are.
If you’re begging her?
She’s going to run.
Because you’re telling her you’re not really worth being with.
So you have to sell yourself to her.
The same thing goes with my female consulting clients.
No guy wants a needy girl in his life. He wants an equal who values him for who he is and who he can value back.
Because she loves herself too.
You see that’s what real love is.
It is not caring what the other person thinks about you.
It is valuing the other person because you see what being with them will do for your life.
You stay with them for the same reason.
Not because you need them or you won’t feel complete without them.
You stay because you want to.
They add value to your life and you want to add value to theirs too.
What I’m describing is known as outcome independence. It means not really caring what the outcome of your interaction with any given person will be.
When you have no vested interest in the outcome?
You can truly be yourself.
When you don’t care whether a person likes you or not?
You can be authentic.
You just present yourself to them and let the chips fall where they may.
You know the amazing thing that will happen when you quit caring? People will actually care for you.
And you will care for them too.
Because then your connection will be real.
Not predicated on a game or a show you’re putting on.
Instead you will value your partner for who they really are because now you can actually see who they are.
And they can see you too.
Then you will truly enjoy love in its fullness.
What do you say. Isn’t it time to quit caring?