It’s hard when someone leaves you.
When everything is okay.
When she just wants to get to know someone else.
But she can’t do that and still be with you.
I know.
Crazy right?
But that is my reality as a polyamorous guy. I don’t own any of my romantic partners and they are free to do what they please about others.
Of course being with someone else?
It doesn’t mean a thing.
Doesn’t take away from what I enjoy with any given partner.
But so far I tend to attract monogamy girls.
Girls who don’t want to be with anybody else.
So they end up being monogamous with me.
Even though they understand I’m not monogamous with them.
The downside of this is when they find someone else?
Guess who has to go?
I’ll be quite honest with you, whenever I experience this experience of being left, I find myself even less attracted to monogamy than before.
Because when it happens?
Monogamy looks primarily as the denial of real love.
Think about it.
A girl is with me knowing I’m not monogamous.
She falls in love with me for who I am.
Enjoys being with me.
But still potentially wants monogamy instead.
The time comes she meets someone who will be exclusive.
What does that mean she HAS to do?
She has to say in her heart or mind that an IDEOLOGY about relationships is more important to her than the actual relationship she and I have.
The relationship she’s been enjoying?
We’ve been enjoying?
It simply has to go.
So the ideology of monogamy is more important than our ACTUAL love.
The love she has valued up until now?
Suddenly that has to change.
She cannot continue to honor our love AND be monogamous with someone else because the very nature of monogamy is that you have to say NO to any other love.
And then there is the new guy in the picture.
A guy with whom she has no history.
She has to be willing to walk toward that RISK instead.
And consider that better than what she already has.
What already means something to her.
What she already values enough that she’s been with me THIS LONG.
It’s hard not to feel like that is a betrayal and denial of the enriching love we’ve shared. I can’t imagine walking away from ANY love that really means something special to me.
That’s another reason I’m not monogamous.
I don’t want to have to pick and choose lovers.
It’s also why I don’t break up with anyone.
To me it just doesn’t make any sense.
Why would I choose a relationship style that makes me say No to love?
Say No to an actual love I am presently enjoying in my life?
All for a theory on how relationships “should” work?
But twice now I’ve had girls leave me for monogamy and not because they didn’t love me anymore. In both cases they left for some new guy who was willing to “get with the program.”
Of course if there is any consolation?
It’s that I know what I know.
Monogamy is nature’s con job to get babies on the way.
Yes it can take more or less time.
But eventually things break down.
They always do.
Which is another reason I never break up with anyone.
Even when my partner is leaving me like this?
I know the probabilities are extremely great.
I will likely be hearing from her again.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t wish relationship demise on anyone. But the statistics are completely clear. Long term monogamy does not work a much too high percentage of the time.
I’m definitely a long game guy.
I’m into love for the long run.
You want to talk about long term relationships?
You’re looking at a guy who TRULY believes.
I believe in LOVE.
NOT monogamy.
Monogamy just doesn’t make sense.
I’d rather say YES to love EVERY time.
So my door is always open if my love wants to return.
How about you? Are you ready to finally give up on this failed relationship paradigm that tells you to say NO to love and always say YES to love instead?
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Loving your blog so far. It was recommended to me by a monogamous guy I recently met and connect with really well. This post really speaks to me.
During my 3 years of being single, I explored poly with a few guys. One of whom I connect really well with even though we only met once a month or so to hang out with various levels of intimacy (no sex). With this new monogamous guy, I am at the crossroad of either cut off the interaction with my intimate friend or be honest with the monogamous guy about the potential of continuing the relationship with the poly guy. I have been contemplating of how to bring up the conversation at such early stage of my relationship with the new monogamous guy. I think the monogamous guy would be open to that suggestion but it is definitely a conversation I have been dreading to bring up worrying about the outcome. It feels I am being too greedy wanting to have the cake and eat it too. I am still stuck in the monogamous programming worrying the continued intimacy with the poly guy would jeopardize the newly budding intimacy I have with the monogamous guy.
I built some romantic friendships over the 3 years of being single and it is definitely sad to have to give those up to be monogamous. At this point of my life, I yearn for the deep connection in a monogamous relationship so poly is not something I want to pursue. I want to be with someone who is open minded to explore the possibilities together as our relationship evolves. This new monogamous guy has strong relationship skills, which is extremely refreshing and something I value tremendously in a partner.
4 years of my 7-year relationship was sexless and that is something I am scared of when it comes to monogamy but there was a lot of other issues beside sex (shameful talking about it, refusal to see a counsellor, etc).
Would love to hear your thoughts on this.
Thanks
Hi Amy!
Glad you’re enjoying the blog. I hope you’ll register and join our growing community! 🙂
Given what you’ve written I can understand why this particular blog post resonated with you. Because of the complexity of what you’re asking about I’m wondering if you’d be open to us setting up a video chat to talk soon? Not meaning to put your questions off but I always hesitate in these kinds of situations to just reply “generically.”
If you’d be open to that please use the contact form to message me and we can set that up. If you don’t want that please comment back to that effect and I’ll do what I can to reply to you! 🙂