I was having a chat last night with a sweetheart.
We were talking about love of course.
I was telling her I often try to figure out better ways to say things.
How can I seem less negative when I talk about love?
I admitted to her though that while I want to help others learn to love in a way that will actually work? When the rubber meets the road I’d rather be making love myself if I had to choose between the two.
Her reply was simple.
“Wouldn’t we all?”
I told her I wasn’t convinced.
She admitted she probably isn’t convinced either.
I said, “Most people are completely shooting themselves in the foot regarding love.”
“Yeah or they actually want something else.” she replied.
“You’ll have to let me know what you think of it,” I told her.
“I wrote it inspired by a particular girl I was interested in.”
“I was imagining how to try to ‘convince’ her.”
“Not really convince her of course.”
“More like try to INSPIRE her.”
I’m aware that what I’m doing here can easily be perceived as primarily negative. I spend a lot of time pointing to what you are trying to do with love and showing you why it just WON’T work for you.
But I’m not really negative at all.
I’m totally PRO romantic love actually!
How to convey this more clearly is my ongoing challenge.
Usually I find until people have been burned?
They don’t really HEAR what I’m saying.
My sweetheart told me she thinks that’s because as an INTJ I’m such a THINKER. I struggle connecting with you on an emotional level because I myself relate to thoughts more easily.
She said, “People won’t remember what you said or did.”
“They’ll remember how you made them FEEL.”
But you know when feelings have LOTS of room to play?
Once you learn to approach things more INTELLIGENTLY.
If you don’t approach things with intelligence first? Your feelings become a temporary lure that leads you down the garden path eventually.
My lot in life as an INTJ?
It is to constantly watch the masses do this.
I keep sharing what I see though I know you won’t listen.
You have to live your own life.
Figure it out your own way.
It is definitely hard to watch though!
Starting to challenge what I was saying my sweetheart then posed this question: “Do you ever see value in approaching things first from a place of feelings over intellect?”
Feelings are great of course.
But they still need to honor the facts.
There are objective patterns to how love works.
You ignore them to your detriment.
If you are like most people you ignore the way love works over and over and over again. This happens to you because your feelings lead the way and you eventually find they have deceived you.
I told her, “I enjoy lots of feelings of closeness and intimacy.”
“Emotions and thoughts both have an influence.”
“Which comes WHERE is the real question.”
Then she shifted on me again.
“This sounds like your personal way of keeping things under control.”
“Keeping them in your comfort zone.”
I replied, “If avoiding patterns that lead to relationship failure is controlling things then I’m all for it. The statistics of failure in relationships are facts and the question is what CAUSES them?”
Then the fateful moment came.
The final maneuver to avoid what I was saying.
“I guess that depends on how you define failure darling.”
“Maybe relationships aren’t MEANT to last.”
“What if they serve us better if we dive right in?”
“Soak them up?”
“Learn what we can then lovingly let them go?”
I realized then that she and I were seeing things from very different perspectives. She was advocating personal growth as what romantic relationships are for.
I wrote about this long ago.
This view does make relationships DISPOSABLE.
I’m not a fan of that.
You just end up USING your partner.
Love is about sharing yourselves with each other because you VALUE each other and want to enjoy being together. Your relationship is an end in itself. Romantic love is a place of pure BEING.
One thing I’ll say though?
My sweetheart was right.
If you approach your relationships like THAT you will definitely learn some lessons.
But the real lesson you’re going to learn from the pain you experience?
Personal growth is NOT the purpose of your relationship.
The real reason your relationships end like that?
You don’t make your love ITSELF your priority.
When you focus on love it always flourishes and grows.
There is no end to love itself when love is truly your purpose.
What do you think? Are you happy with the idea of redefining success just so you can say you’ve never experienced relationship failure?