So says Psychology Today writer Mark D White.

I was discussing this recently at a Meetup.

Per my usual we were talking about romantic love.

I was distinguishing between it and attraction.

Emphasizing how most people get this wrong.

Because of all the things your dating coaches tell you, you probably think the most important thing is how a new person makes you feel.

After all?

How could you fall in love with someone you’re not attracted to at all?

Falling in love means feeling in love.

Doesn’t it?

Well.

Here’s the thing.

You can be attracted to someone you don’t even know.

As a guy you can actually experience attraction for a girl at a distance. As long as she’s cute with a pretty face and a great body you’re hooked.

Sure.

As a girl?

You do need to encounter the actual person.

You’re attracted to his confidence.

Leadership and charm.

But even for this?

It is just enough to see how he acts in public.

You don’t really need to know what actually makes him tick.

When I shared all this at the Meetup one of the girls completely agreed with me. When I said love is not attraction but valuing your partner she knew this made sense.

But then I had to double take

She said, “That’s right. Love is not a feeling.”

I had to pull her back on this.

Why?

Because that is not true.

When you value someone you are definitely feeling something. The difference though is in this case what you’re feeling is a response to their actual HEART.

Attraction is just a reaction.

What you’re loving when you experience it is how YOU feel.

When you value someone?

What makes you feel real good?

It’s how you feel about who THEY are.

I know this is a very subtle distinction but it is a distinction that makes all the difference. When you fall in love with the actual person then your love has real roots so it can grow.

Over time?

As you get to know your partner?

Your love for them deepens and deepens.

Intimacy is “into me you see.”

The more you SEE me the more you love me.

How about you? Have you learned yet the important difference between loving how YOU feel and feeling love for THEM?