It’s a common refrain.
Why are you with your partner?
So they can meet your NEEDS of course!
Why else would you be with them?
You need love.
Security.
Companionship.
Sex!
All the things you seek for from a romantic relationship you just can’t find anywhere else. How could I suggest it’s not your partner’s job to meet them for you then?
Because having your needs met?
That has nothing to do with romantic love.
You say, “Now wait a minute Kel.”
“Even you say romantic love is the desire to experience sexual fulfillment and emotional connection.”
“Those are needs.”
“That’s what you’re desiring when you feel romantic love.”
“And only your partner can give you them.”
“Of course it’s got to be their job to do so!”
What you’re missing here is the rest of the definition I have given you for romantic love. This desire to experience fulfillment and enjoyment is motivated by something completely different than “it’s all about you.”
In actual fact romantic love is all about your partner.
About how much you value THEM for who they are.
So much so that you want to share yourself.
Did you get that?
It’s about sharing YOURSELF.
Not about GETTING anything from them.
Real romantic love is as far from what you think it is as it could possibly be. And because you’re so fixated on getting instead of sharing it evades you again and again.
Here is what real romantic love looks like.
You know your partner is tired.
So you make him a meal and massage his neck.
You know your partner has been hurt in some way.
So you quietly hug her and patiently wait.
What is your partner giving YOU at these times?
Nothing at all but that’s okay!
When you really love your partner then you want to meet your PARTNER’S needs. But not because you have to or because it is expected of you.
In fact if you ever start to think loving your partner is a chore?
You better check in with yourself.
Figure out what’s up.
Where did you go off track?
Real romantic love is motivated by what you value about your partner.
Because of that you want to GIVE.
It’s not about what you GET at all.
If you don’t really value the one you say you love then what are you doing with them? The only reason to be with someone is because that’s where you really want to be.
The reason love breaks down?
You start getting this all in reverse.
Instead of focusing on why you love THEM?
You start focusing on whether or not they love you.
What you’re getting or not getting.
How you’re benefiting from this relationship.
Of course if it comes to the point you don’t truly value your partner anymore you’re going to be hard pressed to keep sharing yourself like I’m saying. That inspiration needs to be there since it’s the reason for all you do.
And the things your partner does?
Naturally that impacts their value to you.
Romantic love is mutual desire.
But it must always be desire driven nonetheless.
Never duty driven.
This is why I always say commitment makes no sense.
If your desire for one another ends?
Raw willpower?
Determination?
They will never bring it back.
So if you’re questioning whether or not you should be in the relationship you’re in ask yourself the right question. Don’t ask, “Is my partner meeting my needs?” Ask, “Do I still value them for who they are?”
If not?
You have two choices.
Either you find your way back to love again?
Or go your separate ways.
What you don’t do is try to get your partner to meet your needs.
Be with them for what you value?
Or don’t be with them at all.
What do you think? Is it your partner’s job to meet your needs or do you just need to get back to focusing on what you value in them?
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