I was talking with a friend of mine this past week.

She’s recently back on the market.

Trying to navigate the dating world again.

She’s facing all the usual challenges.

Does he like me or doesn’t he?

And that question goes both ways.

Do I like him or don’t I?

She has one guy who expressed some genuine affection for her and really thought she ought to give him a chance and get to know him better.

But she’s not INTO him.

Which essentially means she doesn’t “feel that spark.”

But there is also this other guy.

She is REALLY into him.

But she doesn’t know if he would reciprocate.

So she’s keeping it to herself.

She thinks she would feel very awkward if she showed her hand and he said he didn’t feel the same way about her.

So what do you think I said?

Did I say, “It’s better to show your hand?”

Or did I say, “Keep it tight so you don’t mess with what you’ve got there?”

My answer is…neither.

You’re looking at this whole thing wrong.

Because nature tells you girls you’ve got to “feel that spark.”

Nature tells you guys you’ve got to “think she’s hot.”

Neither of these has anything to do with knowing the person for who they really are. Neither of these things is the right foundation for a truly great relationship.

You cannot tell up front.

Chemistry is a lie.

There’s only one way to see if you’ll connect.

Take time to get to know each other first.

That’s the ONLY way you can really find out.

The hardest thing I experience in my non-dating life, is getting you girls to understand there is an important place between “into you” and “not into you.”

It’s called getting to KNOW you.

When this third thing happens?

Real romantic love occurs.

Not before.

Because until you know someone you cannot truly value them.

You can only enjoy how they make you feel.

That’s no basis for a real connection.

This is why if you don’t feel “that spark” it is really a very good thing. Because then those feelings don’t confuse you into thinking you’re in love when really you’re just infatuated.

I tried to get my friend to understand.

Get her to see she shouldn’t write anyone off.

If you like a guy enough to think he could be your friend?

Then in all honesty?

He could be your lover as well.

Lovers are just friends who you get to know more and more until your affection for them reaches a threshold.

That threshold IS romantic love.

The point where you’ve really come to value them.

Then you want to share yourself with them.

Be with them more and more.

You should ALWAYS be open to this happening to you.

Is someone expressing interest?

Give them a chance.

Don’t second guess it.

When I express interest in exploring a connection with a girl, I’m not telling her I’m ALREADY in love with her.

I’m telling her I think she is unique in some way.

That I’d like to explore a connection with her.

That’s what you should do too.

Spend time.

Do things together.

See where the experience actually goes.

Just because a guy doesn’t “give you a spark?”

That doesn’t mean he NEVER COULD or NEVER WILL.

So what do you think? Could you learn to keep an open heart and let that surprise love sneak up on you?