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Is Relationship Style Just A Preference?

This entry is part 1 of 3 in the series Is Relationship Style Just A Preference?

I talk to a lot of people about relationships.

Both in my not-dating life and in my day to day friendships.

Of course for me the two of those often overlap.

Though I think friendship is the right foundation for romantic love?

I hear the same thing from a lot of you.

“Kel, how you style your relationship life is just your PREFERENCE.”

“A lot of other ways are just as valid.”

In other words?

To each his own right?

One girl said to me once, “Everything you say makes complete logical sense, but I just couldn’t have a relationship life like the one you’re recommending.

Of course what I recommend is Romantic Friendships.

That you live independently of your partner(s).

That you make your relationship ITSELF the point.

That you don’t tack on a bunch of other things.

Things that have absolutely nothing to do with love.

It’s only when you try to add a lot of other things, that you start to get in trouble. Love just works better when it has room to breathe and doesn’t become ordinary.

And when I talk to you?

This all makes sense.


There’s that word again.


You’ve heard what they say right?

“You shouldn’t let your “but” get in the way?”

This is actually totally crucial.

When it comes to romantic love if you get this one wrong?

You mess up your whole life completely.

Maybe it is just because guys are more free spirits but I don’t seem to hear as many objections from them as I do from you girls.

Probably it has to do with your biology.

Your ingrained desire for commitment.

Nature wants you to get some babies on the way.

Guys seem much more open to loving who they love.

Keeping their own space.

Just enjoying love for what it actually IS.


A lot of them are just “out for sex.”

That’s their problematic side of The Battle Of The Sexes.

What I want to do today though, is tell you why this “preference” argument really doesn’t hold any water. In fact it is exactly the wrong way you should be looking at this thing.

Suppose I say to you, “It’s my preference to eat only chocolate bars.”

What do you think of that?

Is it really the case I just have a different preference than you?

Is the “Chocolate Bars Only” food lifestyle just as valid?

Will it work just as well as nutrition does?

To each his own right?

“Oh but Kel that’s comparing apples to oranges.”

“Romantic love is nothing like making sure you have a healthy diet.”


Your love life is one of the most important things you’ll ever decide how to configure for yourself. If you get this one wrong everything else will be wrong as well.

And just like you have to feed your body properly for it to prosper?

There are also objective things that will make your love life flourish too.

This isn’t a matter of preference at all.

It’s a matter of objective fact.

We know long term monogamy doesn’t work.

We know attraction always fades.

We know absence makes the heart grow fonder.

That familiarity breeds contempt.

None of this has anything to do with your opinions about what kind of romantic life you would prefer to pursue. It has to do with what we KNOW FULL WELL has the best chance of making your love life prosper.

This is why you girls always tell me you agree with me.

Because you can see what I’m saying is TRUE.

But then you turn around and say,

“I still want somebody who will make me their “one and only.”

“I just can’t do love the way you do.”

“It’s just a matter of preference how we pursue romantic love.”

You’re really no different than the chocolate bar addict and the consequences will be the same. After you’ve binged on love that can’t work, you’ll wonder once again what went wrong.

Why are you now hugely overweight?

Encumbered with relationship BAGGAGE you just can’t lose?

Weighing you down with every step you take?

Every relationship ending up the same?

What do you think? Is it time to start configuring your love life in a way that actually works or would you prefer to keep doing things wrong since objectively that’s what you’re doing?

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