I’ve done a fair bit of online dating since coming to Vancouver so I have read a lot of dating profiles.
One advantage of this is I’ve had a chance to hear what you girls say you want in a relationship.
Naturally I don’t read guys profiles so I can’t vouch for whether they say similar things. Probably not as much, but I know the desire for a someone can be very intense for guys too. It sure was for me historically.
Pretty often you girls say you want to find your soul mate, your true love, the person to spend the rest of your life with, or some variation on that theme.
And you often express that you are lonely and are seeking that person to complete you.
I’ll admit the number of girls in our more feminized culture who express these kinds of desires for traditional romantic love are fewer than I’ve seen on international dating sites.
But there are still a lot of you traditional girls here in the west too.
After all despite the strong advocation of feminism in our media, you are constantly exposed to an equally strong current of Disney fantasy advocated by Hollywood.
Most romantic movies carry some general theme of a guy coming in to save the damsel in distress, sweep her off her feet, and commit his undying love to her.
Do you have that desire to find your soul mate? Your one true love? I suspect you do.
Even if you’re a guy. This desire for the one runs deep. You desire to establish a long term monogamous relationship with your special someone.
And often the central reason you feel this desire is the loneliness you feel in your heart.
You believe if you can just find that one special person who is the right one for you, the emptiness in your soul will end.
Do you feel that way?
Do you feel like finding your someone will complete you and fill the void you feel?
This is the common theme of all romantic movies. This felt loneliness is the central reason most people in our culture enter into relationships. It is likely a central motivator in your own search for the one.
Despite its allurement I want to suggest to you this is exactly the wrong reason to enter a romantic relationship.
It almost guarantees your relationship will fail.
Because what you are interpreting as a normal state that draws you to romantic love, is actually a very unnatural state that makes you foolishly think another person can complete you.
The whole concept of the one suggests you are not a complete human being in yourself and that you need another human being to make you whole.
In the Slavic world of online dating, they even go so far as to say they are looking for their half.
Although you feel like you are missing your soul mate, your other half, what is really happening is you are an emotionally wounded person who needs healing before you are fit to be in relationship with anybody else.
So you may be wondering how I could say what I’ve just said.
What I’m saying here does not contradict my advocation of romantic love.
And while I have misgivings regarding the track record of long term monogamy, (more on this in future posts) I do believe that relationship option is still possible too.
It is possible to have a relationship with the one and have it last.
But this is a very high level achievement.
I’ve said that I believe you are likely not capable of it.
Because most people aren’t.
What we’re discussing here is a big part of why.
You are likely in no shape to be committing to a relationship with someone else because you have big emotional wounds that need healing first. Until you address this loneliness in your heart you will remain incapable of making love last.
I’m not preaching at you. I learned this the hard way myself.
After leaving a long term relationship of many years I had a shorter relationship that I later came to realize I entered to avoid being alone.
My partner and I both did this.
We didn’t recognize it at the time, but we both were feeling lonely in our own way. It was a mutually beneficial romance that at the time met both our desires to not be alone.
It was only when that relationship ended that all this came to light for me.
I plunged into a very desparate emotional state that forced me to finally face a monster I had skirted my whole life.
I say my whole life because I went from living with my mother before I was married, to living with my wife, to living with a friend, to having this relationship I’ve spoken of.
When this relationship ended and I got over the relationship withdrawal, the real test began.
I found myself living alone for the very first time in my life. Ouch! Only then did I realize that I had always had this gaping hole in my soul. I just never had to face it before.
I’m so glad I finally have. Because as I’ve worked through the emptiness in myself, I have come out the other side with greater freedom than I’ve ever felt before.
I am becoming a complete person for the very first time.
I say becoming because I know I’m still in the process.
But I’m seeing the light at the end of a dark tunnel and beginning to see that loving myself and living with me is my first order of business.
Only when you can do that happily are you ready to give to someone else in relationship.
Notice I said give.
You see romantic love is not about getting from your partner. Seeking to have your needs met.
It is about giving.
Yes you get too. But that is a side effect of the giving you do.
Your central motivation is not to get.
When you’re emotionally needy because you feel a hole in your soul, you enter your relationships to get. To be made complete by the other person. To be made whole. The problem is, nobody can do that for you.
You aren’t made to make anybody else whole either. Your job is to work on yourself and make sure you’re somebody worth being with.
You can’t do that while you’re looking to your partner to make you complete.
When you finally experience healing you will enter relationships because you want to, not because you need to. Then real romantic love can flow between you and your partner.
And the felt need to find the one becomes less too.
You may even find you desire to remain open to love wherever you experience it.
Nope. Love is not the answer to your loneliness.
Only you can make you complete. Can make yourself a whole person. I’ll write about how to do this in future posts.
Please give me your thoughts on this in the comments below.
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