If you’re like most people you probably agree?
Codependence is a problem.
Excessive neediness in your love life?
It’s a sure path to disappointment and regret.
But what you may not realize is that interdependence isn’t any better. Nor is it the healthy attachment style you most likely think it is.
“Oh here he goes again!” you say.
“Kel with his crazy contrarian theories!”
I understand your resistance.
But hear me out.
I’ve said romantic love is the desire to experience sexual fulfillment and emotional connection that is mutually shared and enjoyed. Isn’t mutual sharing the definition of interdependent love?
Here’s what you need to understand.
Romantic love is about VALUING your partner.
It not about, “I get what I need from you.”
And, “You get what you need from me.”
Unlike interdependence romantic love is never about GETTING anything. It is only about sharing yourselves with each other because you value each other so much.
Even if your partner doesn’t reciprocate?
That doesn’t change the fact you love them.
Even though they don’t value you in return?
You still love them anyway.
The reason interdependence is just codependence in disguise is because it is still has you dependent on your partner. Only when you don’t need anything from your partner are you free to truly love them.
I know this seems all wrong to you.
But that’s because you’ve got everything backwards.
Your partner is not there to meet your needs.
You’re there to SHARE yourselves.
When I express a desire for a romantic friendship with a girl I’m telling her how much I value her. I want to share myself because I think she is special and worthy of my love.
But I’m always okay being alone.
So I don’t NEED her to love me.
Because I remain independent like this?
I’m free to love her unconditionally.
What do you say? Is it really true that romantic love requires interdependence or is it when you don’t really need someone that your are free to give your heart to them?