So what is interdependence anyway?
And how is it supposed to contrast with its “counter parts?”
Love addicts are seen as codependent usually.
I recently learned love avoidants are seen as “counter-dependent.”
To pursue clarity I surfed the phrase “interdependence versus counter-dependence.” In doing so I ran across an article called Relationships: Counter-dependence Or Interdependence.
What does the author say counter-dependence is?
“A ‘strong’ personality” hiding “fear of true intimacy and commitment.”
They “see themselves as exhibiting a healthy autonomy.”
Others usually see them this way also.
But “Counter-dependency is still codependent behaviour. They just fear dependency on others which drives them to engaging in short, superficial relationships which end when they sense ‘neediness’ and connection from the other side.”
Having been avoidant myself?
I can testify to this general reality.
And as the author also says?
Counterdependency is indeed also codependency.
Of course, immediately the author tries to give us his take on what a “healthy” relationship looks like. To do so he seeks to strike a contrast between “unhealthy” counter-dependence and “healthy” interdependence.
Amusingly the first thing interdependence includes?
You must “first be INDEPENDENT.”
“The issues with most relationships?”
You’re “dependent, codependent or counter-dependent” when they start.
“Once independence is established…it is the perfect platform for interdependence in a relationship, ideally with another independent person.” So good so far.
Then after listing a bunch of traits?
ALL of which constitute independence?
The author pulls a “bait and switch.”
Quotes Steven Covey claiming you instead need INTERDEPENDENCE.
“If I am physically interdependent,” Covey says. “I am self-reliant and capable, but I also realise that you and I working together can accomplish far MORE than, even at my best, I could accomplish alone.”
I agree with this entirely.
But did you notice it isn’t NEED that’s driving this?
Instead what is he recognizing?
Working with others will ENHANCE your otherwise independent life.
That’s not interdependence, it’s COOPERATION.
But then the “bait and switch” happens as Covey continues.
“If I am emotionally interdependent, I derive a great sense of worth within myself, but I also recognise the NEED for love, for giving, and for receiving love from others. If I am intellectually interdependent, I realise that I NEED the best thinking of other people to join with my own.”
So why the sudden shift from ENHANCE to NEED here?
Is your emotional/intellectual life different than your physical life?
If it is, and you truly NEED all this, contrary to what Covey says of your physical needs?
Then interdependence truly IS codependence.
What do you think? Is it really true that you can’t be totally independent, because you still emotionally and intellectually NEED others, or is it really the case that romantic love is just two people, choosing to ENHANCE their otherwise independent lives?
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