I was listening to a relationship coach friend’s Facebook Live the other day.

She said something that really made me do a double take.

She was talking to people who are not feeling loved.

Making suggestions about how to reconnect in their relationship.

One thing she said you can do?

Start giving each other hugs a few times a day.

I agree this is a good way to begin, but then she said something that really took me aback. She said, “Hugging is a great way to connect in a ‘non-sexual’ way.”

I disagreed with this statement completely.

Why?

Because hugs in a relationship?

They are just as sexual as having physical intercourse together.

All such physical acts are expressions of the sexual aspect of your love.

You cannot do anything truly physically “neutral.”

Nothing non-sexual with your actual romantic partner.

To put it another way, if you can hug your partner without this being sexual, you can have intercourse without it being sexual as well.

At a deep level you know this.

It’s why even giving your partner a hug?

It’s uncomfortable right?

It’s hard to do when you aren’t emotionally connected.

You know being physical should be an emotionally connective act, if you are truly in love with each other.

When it isn’t?

You know that something’s wrong.

Every physical interaction with your partner?

No matter how small?

It IS a sexual act.

Because sex is an inherent part of romantic love?

You can’t escape being sexual with your partner.

Just avoiding physical intercourse?

It won’t do.

To truly avoid being sexual, you would need to become completely platonic, and not touch each other at all.

This is why I recommend saving that first kiss.

Wait until you are sure you want a relationship.

Yep.

Even if what you think you are doing is just “exploring” how you feel about them.

Without that kind of emotional connection, you’re just using the person, when you become physical with them.

I know what you’re thinking.

“But Kel, you said intercourse is NOT sexual.”

“Now you’re saying even a first kiss is.”

“What gives?”

Here’s the thing.

When you are in love, you don’t have sex.

Ever.

You make love.

Every physical expression in your relationship is a part of making love.

That hug we were talking about above.

That pat on the bottom when you’re preparing breakfast.

It’s all making love.

None of it is sex.

No matter how spicy it gets!

You are only sexual with someone you don’t love. You make love with someone you do.

Whenever sex is separated?

Experienced apart from deep emotional connection?

It’s “just sex.”

It is NOT romantic love.

Similarly whenever emotional connection is separated from sex with your partner?

It’s “just friends” as well.

It is NOT romantic love.

Whenever you do anything physical with your partner that IS emotionally connective, it’s NOT sex. It’s romantic love.

Whether you kiss your partner.

Hug him or her?

Or share complete physical intimacy together?

None of this is sex when you’re in love.

You are making love.

This is why I disagreed with my relationship coach friend’s statement.

What distinguishes whether an act is sexual or not is not the act itself. It is the intention behind the act.

Every physical act?

No matter how incidental?

Is a sexual act when you are not sharing yourself in love.

When you love each other?

Even having intercourse is not sexual.

It is an act of love.

When you love each other, you are ALWAYS making love.

Which begs the question. Would you rather have sex or make love with your partner?