It was a watershed moment in our relationship.
My partner of just over two years was facing a crisis in our love.
What was the question she was having to ask?
Did she really love me?
Or did she just love how I made her feel?
She summarized the crisis she was facing at that time by saying, “I guess I ended up being one of those crazy monogamy girls after all and so that’s it.”
What did she mean by that?
She meant that she could no longer be with me.
Because I am polyamorous?
I’m open to love with anyone.
I think monogamous commitment makes no sense.
And for two straight years she was okay with that.
But now she definitely wasn’t.
Now she wanted to own me as a condition of her love.
I want you to feel the implications of that and let it really sink in deeply to your core. When you want exclusive commitment from your partner? This is what you are really saying.
What is amazing is my partner said this with a straight face.
Still she realized how completely foolish she was being.
“But monogamy doesn’t work.” she said.
Because she’s reads most of what I’ve told you here.
“I’d be okay with you loving other girls.”
“As long as you don’t make LOVE to them.”
But then she stopped for a double take.
“But that wouldn’t be fair to ask, would it?”
When you say your partner can only make love to you and has to “forsake all others,” you are saying your partner is not allowed to love anyone else but you.
Because romantic love includes both of these things.
Emotional connection AND sexual fulfillment .
Because you value someone for who they are?
You want to share yourself completely with them.
Notice that word?
You don’t want to POSSESS them.
When you insist on commitment from anyone you are not talking about sharing yourself. You are saying you want to own them and keep them all for you.
So what would make someone I loved?
Someone I shared myself with for two full years?
What would make her suddenly turn about face like this?
Become the personification of everything I deny?
Everything I say is wrong about “romantic love” and why it always fails you?
A week before this conversation, my partner had finally moved from theoretical polyamory to the real deal. She had an experience that moved it all from her head, deep into her emotions.
When that happened it overwhelmed her.
Showed her just how little she knew about love.
She imagined what it would actually be like.
To KNOW I was making love with someone other than her.
When this happened it scared her.
Because it triggered a deep rooted emotional abandonment wound.
It made her choose fear instead of love.
To avoid the possible pain of feeling abandoned one day?
She would leave me NOW.
This experience she had is the most valuable experience you could ever ask for in your life. It is the gateway to finally knowing real romantic love and forsaking nature’s counterfeit once for all.
Real romantic love is the exact OPPOSITE of ownership and possession.
When you really love someone you love them with an open hand.
The only way you can have a love is when it comes to you freely.
If you try to possess your partner?
You will push them away.
Nobody wants to be with somebody needy.
Nobody wants to be owned by anyone.
When my partner said she was a crazy monogamy girl now, I asked her, “So you don’t love me now because that triggered you?”
She didn’t know what to say.
If she couldn’t possess me we were through.
I told her, “That’s right. We just turn off the love switch.”
She said, “You seem to think it is easy for me.”
I told her, “Of course I don’t.”
But what I really wanted to say was it SHOULDN’T be.
You shouldn’t be able to walk away from a two year love like this.
What do you think? Do you still think monogamy has anything to do with love or do you see clearly now that you can only hold love with an open hand?