I lost a lover recently.

I have been in massive dopamine withdrawal.

Wanting to get her back.

Because I love her so much.

What has hurt the most is while I’m sitting here loving her as much as I do, I think she left because I don’t love her.

What?

That’s right.

She left because I don’t love her.

At least not according to her.

I’ve been struggling whether to chase her or not to show her how much I care. After all wouldn’t true love make sure she knows I love her?

Some of my friends?

They think so.

Think I’m a fool to just let her go.

If I don’t pursue her as she leaves?

How can I claim to really love her?

But other friends tell me pursuing her would be weak. If I go all soft she will disrespect me and lose attraction.

Then I’ll lose her anyway.

She needs to stew in her own juices.

To realize what she had.

The way to get her back is just to wait.

Neither of these perspective is totally right, though I can appreciate each of these views on the matter. On the one hand I want my lover to know she’s loved and on the other hand I want her to want me too.

But in their own way both of these views are wrong.

They have the cart before the horse entirely.

It is not just whether you want your lover.

It is WHY you actually do.

I want my lover because I value her for who she is, not because she values me. Because of this I love her even though she’s walked away.

Of course I want her to be with me.

But I want her to actually WANT that.

If she doesn’t?

I don’t want her with me.

Even though I do.

This is the great paradox of love and why you often lose the love you’re enjoying. You have to learn to love your lover with an open hand.

If I chase her so she knows she’s loved?

She might come back just because I did so.

She would not be returning for me.

She would be returning because of how that made her feel.

Love is not a quid pro quo where you love your lover because they love you. Love is a gift you give to your lover because you value them for who THEY are.

You want them happy for them.

If they’re not happy being with you?

Wanting them to stay would be unkind.

So the reason I’m letting my lover go right now?

It’s because I’m wanting her to stay.

To chase her would be to dishonor her choice and the way she’s really feeling. Since I value her I have to value her enough to let her go if she doesn’t feel loved.

I don’t do this because I really don’t love her.

Or because I have a better chance to get her back like my friend said.

I do it because I want her in the only way possible.

By her deciding she wants me too.

What do you think? Is the reason you want your lover to be with you because they value you or because you value them?