I have said it from the beginning.
Real romantic love is the desire to experience sexual fulfillment and emotional connection that is mutually shared and enjoyed.
But I realize one mistake I’ve made.
It’s about my assessment of the Battle Of The Sexes.
I have been seeing the Battle Of The Sexes to be a battle between the two key aspects of your nature that make up romantic love.
Guys desire sex.
Girls desire emotional connection.
Guys try to get sex without becoming emotionally involved.
Girls try to get emotional connection without becoming sexual.
I’ve now realized this isn’t quite right. Because the battle is ultimately about what your shared reproductive biology wants.
I’ve said “romantic love” is nature’s sell job.
It wants you to “fall in love.”
But only long enough to get some babies made.
Then it wants you to break up and start it all over again.
What I wasn’t recognizing is because of this biological program, what you girls really desire is not emotional connection at all.
Biologically you desire commitment.
You desire a guy who will stick around.
Take care of you while you nurture your babies.
This is nothing but reproductive biology in play.
It has absolutely nothing to do with romantic love any more than “just sex” does.
Unfortunately nature tricks you into thinking it is about love and makes you think commitment will guarantee love.
It will do nothing of the sort.
Not in the long run.
Because that is not nature’s plan.
Remember?
Nature does not have your long term relationship well being in mind.
It has only one goal.
Get babies born and on their way.
It cares nothing about real love.
So while it is true you girls do desire emotional connection more than you desire sex, the real reason you “hold out” isn’t to make sure you are really loved.
It’s to make sure he’s a “keeper.”
Someone you think will “stick around.”
That’s what you want more than anything else.
Commitment.
But commitment isn’t love.
Real love is the desire to experience sexual fulfillment and emotional connection in a mutually shared and enjoyed way.
You can enjoy those things with anyone you value and adore.
You don’t need them to be exclusive with you.
You don’t need a guy to commit to you for the long run to share yourself with him in a deeply meaningful way.
And if you’ll do so without requiring commitment from him?
He’s even be more likely to stick around.
Why?
Because you’re not trying to tie him down.
Lock him in.
Take away his freedom.
This is the whole point of the Cool Girl blog post series.
To show you a better way.
Guys are free spirits.
They need to be free to roam.
Love a guy with an open hand and he could be yours forever.
Try to guarantee that though?
You’ll shoot yourself in the foot.
The only proviso here – and it definitely is a big one – is you need to wait until you find a guy who isn’t just “out for sex.” A guy out for sex will always “love you and leave you.”
Because he’s not there for romantic love?
He’s just there to satisfy HIS biology.
The same way you are trying to satisfy YOUR biology.
With your insistence on commitment from him.
So if you want to have love in your life?
You DO need to hold out.
But not for what you’re thinking.
You don’t need to hold out for commitment. You need to hold out for a guy who will truly love you and give you his heart. Not just give you his “hard on.”
The challenge you face is nature has wired you to be deceived by that Bad Boy energy.
You tend to friend zone the really good guys.
The ones who will connect with you on a deeper level.
The ones who will connect for the long run.
But if you will hold out for one of these good guys instead?
You’ll want to give him more than just your heart.
Because once you know you are truly loved?
You’ll want to give him your all.
And that means sex as well because then it becomes making love.
Yes there is a battle of the sexes that stands in the way of you experiencing true romantic love in your life. It is the battle between the desire for sex on the guys’ part and the desire for commitment on yours.
Neither of these is the answer to finding real love in your life.
Instead?
When you come to really value the person you’re with?
For who they truly are?
Then you’ll desire to be CONNECTED with them.
Share yourself in every way.
This has nothing to do with “just sex.”
It has nothing to do with commitment.
It has to do with REAL love.
Which is as close as your openness to it.
What do you say? Are you ready to give up this “out for sex or commitment” thing and finally open yourself up to love?
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