It’s no secret that most of you guys are really “out for sex.” And the girls know it.
Their online dating profiles are filled with frustrated comments like this:
“Not into hookups”
“If you’re a player just move on.”
I understand their frustration.
This is a real challenge for them because what they’re usually out for is genuine connection. Deep emotional oneness.
What you may not realize though is that this is what you guys want too. You just have this strong biological urge for sex that’s getting in the way of experiencing what you are really desiring.
Here’s how this works…
You know what you consciously want.
But you don’t recognize your conscious desires are out of sync with what you unconsciously want, at a deeper emotional level.
Because nature is messing with you?
You think you want sex but what you really want is to make love.
To experience sexual fulfillment.
Sexual fulfillment is not the same thing as sex.
What you don’t recognize is that only really making love will get this monkey off your back.
Sometimes you experience hints of this.
You can really feel it in the emptiness you experience after masturbating.
When you masturbate to porn (And let’s be honest that’s how you do it right?), you feel good for a few minutes because the release happens.
But then you start to feel flat, like something is missing.
You don’t know what it is but something is just plain off.
If you’re a reflective guy eventually you begin to realize you just “had sex” with a two dimensional picture or video. You had no real human contact.
Sure there is a real girl somewhere in the world who was photographed for that shot.
But she is no where in sight really.
Her picture isn’t her.
When you start to recognize this you start to realize how stupid porn really is.
What kind of loser spends his time getting off to porn when he could experience sex with a real live girl?
At this point you move the party elsewhere.
Time to get away from the artificial monitor/keyboard/mouse game and score with a real female.
Of course some guys never get past this first phase because they lack the confidence to approach girls and get with them.
So they stay in their lonely life wishing they had the courage to break free.
The frustration of experiencing lack of fulfillment through masturbating can push even the whimpiest of guy to finally try to get this thing figured out.
Assuming that’s you, the next phase is you learn how to approach real girls.
You study the attraction techniques and even work a bit on your character to become more of like that high status, Alpha male type of persona you’re told the girls go for.
Maybe this works for you.
Maybe it doesn’t.
If you’re a true introvert it probably won’t, which is why I work with introverted guys to meet girls a different way.
But let’s assume it does and you start getting with real live girls and having sex with them.
Definitely an upgrade!
Now you’re not that loser pretending he’s with a girl.
Whether it’s just with one girl who you see regularly, or lots of girls because you’ve really worked on your game, you finally are having sex with a real live person.
This has gotta change that emptiness right?
Surely now you’ll experience sexual fulfillment?
It does seem to be an improvement initially.
There’s a lot of enjoyment when experiencing sex with someone else in the room.
But eventually even this starts to feel wrong.
Why is that?
It’s not just that you’re moving from girl to girl if you are.
Even the guy who is just having sex with the same girl again and again feels it.
It becomes empty pretty fast.
Because while you are indeed having sex with a real live girl, what you’re really desiring with her is more than just sex. You’re desiring to really connect with her on a much deeper level.
Connection isn’t about the sex, it’s about the person.
The sex is simply a vehicle through which you can really connect with a person if you learn how to.
How do you do that?
First you have to come to see all this in a very different way.
You can be having sex and still not be connecting with the person you’re having sex with.
What you’re really desiring is not sex at all.
You’re desiring to make love.
And “getting off” is not making love.
“Getting off” will not get the monkey off your back.
“Getting off” just makes the monkey keep calling again and again and again.
So what is making love then, and how do you achieve what you’re really after, so you can finally get this monkey off your back?
In order to make love, you have to have sex a different way.
Right now it’s all about getting to orgasm as fast as you can.
So the first thing you need to do is slow things down.
But it isn’t about getting to orgasm slower either.
It is about why you are with your partner in the first place.
When you are chasing an orgasm, that is your focus.
You are not focused on connecting with your partner.
You are not just with her to be with her.
And she can feel that. It’s why in most relationships eventually the girl just pulls back and doesn’t want sex anymore.
Because she never wanted sex in the first place.
She wanted to connect.
You cannot get the monkey off your back by doing what the monkey is calling for.
You have to do something that actually calms the monkey down.
Not something that gives him what he wants.
Because if you give him what he wants, he just wants more.
That’s how addiction works and your incessant desire for sexual release is a natural addiction.
Orgasm produces the same effect in your mind as a heroin hit.
It is a drive to a high, followed by an extreme low.
That is why you feel so empty afterwards.
Then it builds up and calls you again and again and again.
Slowing down is a great step in the right direction but as long as you are chasing the orgasm you are still just having sex. You are not making love.
Love is a state of being.
It is being with the girl you’re with without any goals.
And remaining there.
Time is the key to connection.
But so is removing the thing that ends that time.
Your orgasm ends it.
And it separates you from your partner.
It also sets you up for the monkey to keep calling.
I know it is hard for you to accept this as a normal biological male.
Nature has wired you to want orgasm so babies will get born and on their way.
Orgasm is not sexual fulfillment. Sexual fulfillment is spending time connected with your girl, enjoying being inside her and giving to her through your sexual union.
Yes it includes all the rich touch and caressing and sharing that goes along with this.
But the deepest need you have as a guy, is to learn to be more still and present to your girl when you are inside her.
You desire to be held by her just as she desires to be filled by you.
Conventional “orgasm chasing sex” robs you of this treasure.
It keeps you feeding the monkey.
Only when you remove the goal of orgasm, and learn to be present with your girl, will you calm the monkey down over time and reduce his incessant calling.
When you learn to do this?
When you put making love at the center of your relationship?
Then you will learn to experience real, lasting sexual fulfillment.
What do you think? Are you ready to begin the journey to calm the monkey down?
Like what you’re reading? Sign up!