It’s every guy’s dream.
That ultimate girl who is everything.
Great looking. Intelligent. Party Girl. Stable. Confident. Submissive. Sweet.
Yep. That’s her.
But where to find her?
You date one girl and she’s really a party girl. She loves to go dancing and hangs out in the clubs and she has a body fit to kill that really stirs your blood.
You absolutely love her energy.
But stable?
Not so much.
Time to try again.
You meet another girl and she stretches all your concepts.
Half the time even you don’t understand what she’s telling you.
She has an IQ like no other.
But she’s a bit on the plump side and though you hate to admit it, that bothers you a bit.
And she’s a little crazy sometimes too.
So intelligent but so unstable on the emotional front.
Even though she thinks she isn’t.
Time to try again.
This next girl is very stable. She really works on her personal development a lot.
You connect on that level completely but there is no energy.
No spark.
You end up friends and support each other.
But friend zone here we come.
Time to try again.
I think you’re starting to see the pattern here right? You’re looking for the ideal girl. The girl who embodies everything you love in a girl.
But try and try as you might you never seem to find her.
Here’s a clue why Romeo…SHE DOESN’T EXIST!
No girl can be everything.
Did you notice something about that list I gave you at the start?
It’s full of contradictions.
Confident and Submissive?
Party girl and Stable?
They just don’t go together.
You see, you want to have it all but there is nobody out there who has it all.
So what’s the answer?
The most common answer given in the world of relationship advice today is to compromise.
You pick what’s most important to you and find someone you have the least incompatiblities with.
Then you settle in with that one person and “live happily ever after.”
Except more often than not that isn’t quite what happens.
Instead those compromises start to eat away at your relationship.
Some people claim this is just your “shadow” showing up and the purpose of your relationship is to work on that.
Again that’s one option you can choose to follow.
But I think it is a bad reason to be in a relationship.
And nobody said you have to live with someone who brings out the worst in you either.
The real problem is the way you’re looking at romantic love.
You’re seeing romantic love as as something you “tack on” to a lot of other things you want more. You’re not seeing it as an end in itself.
You want companionship.
Or family.
Or personal growth.
And then you’ll tack romantic love onto those.
But those things have nothing to do with romantic love.
They can all be attained other ways than through traditional monogamy if you truly want them.
You don’t have to live with a partner to love them.
No one has to be everything for you to enjoy everything with someone.
You can do that by enjoying Romantic Friendships instead.
Romantic Friendships are relationships where you have more than one partner.
You value each partner for who they are and what they bring to the table.
You don’t try to make anybody your everything.
But you also don’t need to compromise enjoying everything you enjoy either.
When you approach your love life this way as a guy, you can enjoy each of the girls I mentioned above for who she is. You can do so without expecting or needing her to be something that she’s not.
Enjoy that party girl energy?
Spend time with her but then go hang out with your more stable partner when you’re needing some low energy down time.
If you lived with the party girl or she was the only girl in your life?
It would be an entirely different story.
Then you would be pressuring her to “stable up” and not be partying all the time.
But that’s not her.
Why not let her be her, enjoy her for who she is, and find the other things you enjoy with someone else instead?
Same thing goes for that intelligent girl.
There is nothing quite like being in her presence and having her challenge your thinking.
But she’s probably not in as good a shape as the party girl you love.
So you will love for her most for her mind and understand that making love will be a bit different on that front.
Doesn’t mean you can’t connect.
Just means it will be different than with your party girl romantic friend.
And sometimes you won’t end up romantic at all. You’ll be “just friends.” And that’s alright also.
Like you did with that personal development girl.
Nothing wrong with just loving her that way.
Connections come in many shapes and sizes, both physically and emotionally.
Obviously the story I’ve told in this blog post is about a guy’s search for the perfect girl. But I’m talking to you girls too.
Sure you like a guy who is confident and achieving.
But you also like those introverted intelligent guys as well.
Don’t you?
There are guys who are jocks and guys who are not.
Each of these guys you appreciate for what he brings to the table too.
Romantic Friendships are as much for you girls as they are for the guys. It about enjoying everyone!
This isn’t about “just sex.”
It’s about experiencing and sharing connection.
On a deep romantic level.
There are so many amazing people in this world you can enjoy a connection with.
Each of them brings different value into the equation.
Why not configure your love life so you can enjoy each person for who he or she is?
Without putting them under any pressure to be something that they’re not.
All it takes is to open your mind.
Try things a different way.
What do you think? Is it time to experience the perfect partner by finding them in the Romantic Friendships you enjoy?
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Loved the points you raised in this blog, and I can see how they apply to men and women alike.
Here is my main question/comment:
1. How about when you are the guy/girl with a preponderance of commonly desired qualities? For example, a woman who is smart/intellectual, has and continues to work on her self-development, takes physical care of herself, can party with the best of them when she feels like it, and doesn’t mind sharing “power” in the bedroom or within the relationship (what I call a “good leader”)? This woman does exist. As does her male corollary. They are not littered in the streets but they do exist. And they are aware of what they bring to the table. They can be intimidating, whether they are male or female.
Who should this woman be seeking, especially if she’s seeking someone who is not the same as her but similar? She may “lack” perfect status somehow but by all means, she’s got her act together! I think these women (and men as the case may be) sometimes find themselves in a quandary because they are not expecting it all in a partner, but for better or worse have a longer list because they know it’s possible and though the idea of more than one romantic friendship is a “solution”, sometimes it is culturally difficult. The very thing that allows her to be “submissive” at times is the thing that culturally prevents her from seeking what she wants in multiple partners/romantic friendships. In some cases, this woman will opt to be single so as not to put too much undue pressure on a man/boyfriend as she is conscious of the fact she can be intimidating without wanting to be. Or she makes sure she has a balance of male and female friendships (platonic) in addition to her partner.
Is this woman (or man) doomed to singledom. Or should they pursue the traditional theory of focus on what’s most important and seek that out. The rest you get through personal pursuits and other friendships. Personally, I think this is very viable. Nobody has it “all”. When they do, they often lack time for a proper relationship which leads to its own set of unique issues (unless partner is in same boat).
It’s all very confusing. I do appreciate your perspective though as you put a spotlight on the contradictions. These are key. And everyone needs to examine their own contradictions.
Thanks Kel!
@Sunny – As always you raise thought provoking questions! 🙂
There are a lot of different layers to what you’ve written. It seems like underlying all of them though, is the assumption we need or want to make monogamy work.
Of course a big part of what I’m about here, is pointing out how challenging that goal actually is. I also point out that when our priority is monogamy, it is not romantic love.
A central reason monogamy is so challenging is because it shifts our attention from valuing our partners for who they are, to requiring them to be something for us.
If we’re going to make that kind of exclusive commitment, they better be as close to “everything” as we can identify, in order to make our commitment “safe.”
Of course the divorce stats demonstrate plainly the success rate of that project.
Is the alternative to choose not to love romantically at all?
If the possibility of romantic friendships is blocked through fear of cultural ramifications or emotional resistance stemming from biological/societal programming, perhaps the answer to this question is, “Yes.”
But since I think romantic love is the most important thing we can experience in this life, I choose the opposite. I’m willing to go against what’s popular and experience love without the baggage instead.
Everyone has to make their own choices in this regard. Only the person in question can finally decide what’s best for them.