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How Long Have You Been Together?

This entry is part 1 of 2 in the series How Long Have You Been Together?

This is the first question I ask when somebody tells me how wonderful their relationship is.

Because I know what attraction is.

It is there to get you into each other so you will get…well…”into” each other.

You feel that excitement so you’ll get it on and then get on again.

The reason people are so convinced their monogamous relationship will work “this time,” is because monogamy really does feel great in it’s initial stirrings.

The divorce and unhappiness statistics don’t reflect these early years.

When you first meet each other and the sparks are flying, the dopamine is coursing through your brain.

Your lover is your drug of choice and they can do no wrong.

This euphoric high is known to last on average between 6 months to 3 years.

That can be extended if babies come into the picture.

But watch out once those little critters start to show up.

Children are also known to accelerate love’s demise ultimately, once the initial good feelings they bring start to set in.

The reason is those good feelings aim your love away from your lover.

You girls are wired to fall in love with your babies instead.

Your nurturing natures are geared to give your children your desire.

The oxcytocin you experience with them, especially if you breast feed, is virtually irresistible.

This is where the “sexless marriage” phenomenon frequently finds its source, unless your guy is already growing distant.

Often a combination of both these factors ensues.

He sees you giving your kids your affection so he begins to feel rejected.

Then he starts to behave more distant, and you sense him pulling away.

To offset this effect, you get more into your children yet.

And he feels you pulling further away.

Like most guys, he’s naturally sexually addicted.

So he starts to become more needy and less giving.

This makes you want sex less because you can feel that he isn’t really loving you. He’s just wanting to use you for his sexual release.

It is a negative reinforcement cycle.

It repeats itself over and over again.

In relationship after relationship.

Because this is actually how “romantic love” WORKS.

It’s not malfunctioning AT ALL.

As I’ve said before, nature does not have your long term love interests at heart.

There are a lot of time factors used to guage the state of a relationship.

The “honeymoon phase” I’ve mentioned here.

The “seven year itch.”

The point is you cannot really predict the trajectory of your monogamous relationship until it’s TOO LATE.

Which is why what I do here is recommend Romantic Friendships instead.

They avoid these common pitfalls.

What do you think? Is the fact things look “so good” at the beginning really a foreboding of things to come?

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