“I don’t want to share you like a plate of french fries!”
“My self esteem is too high to settle for being just ‘one of many.'”
“I deserve someone who will make me special and focus only on me.”
I hear this a lot from you girls.
In the context of talking about polyamory, open relationships, and my particular spin on all this: Romantic Friendships.
You can’t seem to wrap your minds around the idea that your partner could love anyone else without this detracting from his love for you.
But he can.
And so can you.
The fact is…you already do.
There is hardly a girl among you who hasn’t admitted to me that you easily love more than one person.
When I describe what I mean by polyamory, you admit you do this all the time.
One of you even told me to ignore what you tell me because if I move you emotionally you’ll act on that emotion irrespective of what you say you want.
You are emotional creatures.
The pick up artists make their living from knowing this!
But despite the fact you can and actually do love multiple people all the time, you still want to draw the line at romantic love.
“That’s not possible,” you say. “That’s not good.”
But your rationale for drawing this line is always the same.
You don’t want to share your guy with anyone else. You want him all to yourself. You want someone who will make you ” the one,” the center of his universe.
I’ve pointed out many times this is a very insecure basis for monogamy.
It sounds like a child who doesn’t want to share his friend with anyone else.
It is clingy and needy.
My response to all this is old news here now.
But I want to take a different spin on this question today. I want to point out something that is not usually noticed in the “I don’t want to share you” reasoning expressed above.
It is glaringly obvious once you see it.
The assumption is that if your lover has other lovers, you will be left alone and feel unworthy and unloved.
But isn’t thinking you are only worthy of being loved by one person your limiting belief here?
Rather than accepting that you are “just one of many” reflecting low self esteem, isn’t assuming you’re only worthy of being loved by “just one” person reflective of low self esteem instead?
You assume that if you are not with your lover you will be alone.
But if you are open to love, that will rarely be the case.
Because you will have other lovers in your own life too.
Instead of only being loved by one person, your world of love will be expansive and fulfilling in ways it never could be with traditional monogamy.
You see none of us is enough to be anybody’s “one and only.”
Not you. Not any lover you might have.
You’re unique yes. You are worthwhile and special.
But you simply are not enough to fulfill any other person completely.
They are not enough to fulfill you either.
You girls recognize this in terms of friendship. No one of your friends meets your needs so completely that you don’t experience the desire to seek out friendship with others.
What makes you think you or any lover can fulfill each other’s need for romantic love either?
I admit it though.
Even this reasoning is foreign to how I really think about romantic love.
I’m just trying to accommodate your self focused way of looking at all this.
You see, I don’t think much about seeking to get my needs met or trying to get something from my lovers. To derive feeling special from them.
To approach things that way is to use each other.
To me feeling special is a byproduct of romantic love.
It only really happens when it’s not what you’re seeking at all.
The reason to be with a lover is because you value them for who they are and they value you for who you are, and you desire to share yourselves with each other as a result.
It’s not so you will feel special being with them or receive validation from them.
You are already worthwhile whether you have a lover or not.
You should seek to love from your fullness, not from your felt emptiness.
Each lover is unique and special in their own way. This is why you can experience romantic love with anyone you encounter this kind of connection with.
When you open your heart to love, no one lover will be better than another or more special to you.
You will see each lover as special in their own way.
You will enjoy being with each lover for who they are and what they bring to the table.
And they will feel the same way about you.
So the real question is not “How could you share your lover?”
The real question is, “How could you not share yourself with other lovers too?”
You have so much value to give. Isn’t it time you start sharing?
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