If you’ve followed this blog for a while you’ll know I have some unconventional ideas of what makes for a good relationship.
While a lot of people think the reason to be in a relationship is to grow spiritually or to be completed by your soulmate or because you find each other attractive?
I think the reason to be in a relationship is the relationship ITSELF.
You and your partner value each other and you want to share yourselves with each other at the deepest intimate levels.
That’s what romantic love is.
But the guardians of the mission to divert us all from love are ever vigilant…
Just this week a friend on Facebook posted a meme with the following saying:
The real soul work is carried out in a relationship when two heart-connected individuals see the issues that trigger each other as a gift, rather than an obstacle. If this is done in partnership it allows the couple to travel to new depths of intimacy that few encounter.
Sounds wonderful doesn’t it?
And I have no doubt that it is possible for you to achieve a higher level of existence by traversing the plains of sorrow and woe and somehow surviving to tell the tale.
And an interesting tale it would be!
But the idea that this is somehow an ideal you should pursue is misguided at best, and irresponsible in the extreme.
It has all the feel of medieval times.
The followers of Christ understood they were to take up his cross and find fellowship in his sufferings.
They took this so seriously they flagilated themselves with chains and donned horse hair shirts to identify with their master.
You will experience challenges in this life you need to grow through.
I totally grant that.
Suffering is inevitable and as the quote I shared above points out, some of our deepest learnings come from it.
Jesus said “You will experience tribulations in this life.”
I get it.
And if you end up in a relationship with someone who is wounded – and who of us is not wounded to one degree or another – you should indeed seek to be compassionate toward your partner and grow through the experience.
Running from a relationship at the first sign of trouble is immature and shows you don’t really value your partner at all.
But there is no need to seek out suffering.
Opposites attract but they make terrible soulmates.
Soulmates make terrible running mates in the long run.
Because the purpose of relationship is connection, not completion or attraction…and definitely not growth.
If you take this idea of healing your triggers too seriously, instead of finding yourself traveling to “new depths of intimacy that few encounter,” you may instead find yourself traveling to the same divorce court or unhappy relationship 80-83% of all other couples do.
Let’s be realistic here.
You only have one life to live.
How you live it is important.
Happiness doesn’t come to you.
It is something that comes from within.
If you partner with someone who triggers you at every turn yes, it is true this will reveal areas you need to grow in. But being with someone for that reason is just plain unwise.
In the end you’re more likely to hate each other, than find intimacy together.
Better to recognize when you’re not a good match and move on.
You should be with your partner because you value him or her for who he or she is.
Not because they are a convenient opportunity to fire your triggers so you can heal them.
What matters is the connection you and your partner share together.
Let it be.
Don’t turn it into something it’s not.
What do you think? Should you give that trigger healing rating of yours a downgrade?