“So what do you think of my body?”
“Well, you’re packing a bit there in the midsection.”
[Begin ballistic emotional backlash]
I admit it.
The way I responded was insensitive and careless, and really didn’t properly take her feelings into account.
It was what I actually thought though.
And when a guy asks you what you think, he normally wants you to tell him.
But of course, I wasn’t being asked by a guy.
Second only to “girls just wanna have fun,” is the cardinal rule that you want guys to lie to you.
About a lot of things.
You see you talk like you want us to be open and honest.
Share how we really feel.
But if we do that, we know what will happen.
If we share how we really feel, we’ll get shamed and put down and ridiculed and belittled.
Of course you girls never think how it makes US feel when you do that.
And all because we shared our feelings, like you asked us to.
Because you are the only ones who can ever be hurt right?
You think you are the only ones who can experience dissappointment or rejection or feel put down.
I was at a meetup recently and I made a statement that shocked the girls who were present.
One of the girls is a manager in her company and she admitted that she actually treats the guys and girls who report to her differently.
She finds she needs to be more direct and to the point with her male employees, but more sensitive and indirect with their female counterparts.
She realized if she was a male manager and admitted to all this, she could get into a lot of trouble.
Because equality means different things these days in the world of business, depending on whether you’re male or female.
Then I took her for a bit of a loop.
I told her feminism hasn’t changed how guys think much. It’s just driven us underground.
We still think and feel like guys think and feel.
We’re just not allowed to express it anymore.
Then I told her while that male business associate is interacting politely with his female workmate, he is likely thinking in his mind “Wow, wish I could get me some of that!”
When I said this my female manager friend visibly flinched.
And that’s just it.
You girls don’t want guys to be guys.
You don’t want to hear what we really think and feel.
You want us to lie.
Because what we really think goes against the sensitivities and civilities you’ve tried to program into us.
But if it isn’t what we really think, what is the point of telling you what you want to hear?
Well, we know what the point is.
Today we can lose our jobs or our homes or our relationships, if we’re honest about our feelings.
So we’ve learned to tread carefully and tell you what you want to hear.
Lie to you.
But sometimes you catch us off guard.
Like the girl I spoke about at the beginning of this blog post did.
I wasn’t expecting her question and I spoke before applying the necessary societal filters.
You see, I know you feel bad when you’re overweight.
Because I feel bad when I’m overweight too.
And nobody has to tell me I’m overweight.
I’m fully aware of it when I am.
But then I seek to do something about it.
No, I don’t go and try to get people to tell me I’m looking great.
I don’t ask a direct question that makes them feel a need to lie to me either.
That’s a big difference between us guys and you girls.
Us guys don’t spend a lot of time asking people what they think about our bodies or about much of anything else.
Because we usually don’t need validation from anyone else.
Okay I admit, sometimes guys are insecure this way too and seek to boost their egos.
Usually guys just don’t care that much what other people are thinking.
Not like so many of you girls do.
And if for some strange reason we actually ask that kind of question?
We don’t become upset when someone honestly tells us what we actually asked them to tell us.
Even if they tell us that using “insensitive” phrasology like I did with this girl I mentioned.
When we ask a question of anyone, we actually want to know what they think for real.
We don’t want them to lie to us to make us feel good.
We’re looking for feedback so we can make choices to change things, if their answer confirms our suspicions.
You girls claim you want us guys to be honest with you and share how we really feel.
I don’t buy it.
What you want is what this girl wanted.
You want us to lie to you, and tell you you’ve got a hot, sexy body even if you don’t. Even when that’s not what we really think.
What’s sad is I didn’t think her body was terrible or that she was completely overweight.
Overall she was physically attractive enough.
My attraction to her was a “total package” attraction. I just really liked her overall vibe.
When that’s the case physical perfection isn’t important to me.
Unthinkingly though, I mentioned the one thing I felt she could improve on.
That way of responding is a guy thing too.
Because when we ask a question like that, we’re usually trying to scout out problems we can address.
Not to be told how wonderful we are.
So we tend to answer each other about the one negative we see, rather than the multiple positives that may be present.
Those are irrelevant to our purpose.
Since it was a girl asking though, I should have emphasized the positives and not just that one negative.
Like I said, I admit to being insensitive in my response.
But it doesn’t change my basic point here.
You girls want to be lied to.
One way you can avoid this kind of difficulty of course, is quit asking questions that you might not like the answer to.
Most guys are well enough trained by now not to talk about what we think of your physical appearance in your presence.
We save those conversations for when we’re alone with each other.
Oh yes. We do talk about these things when we’re alone.
You’re never going to change this.
This is primal biology.
But an even better approach than avoiding asking questions like these is ask…and then listen to the honest answer.
Instead of getting upset if you don’t like the answer, do something about it.
No, I don’t mean shame the guy who gave you that answer.
Take the answer to heart and begin to do things that in the future will ultimately get you the answer you really want to hear.
Change your diet.
Quit consuming “food” that adds to your weight.
Get consistently walking and/or working out.
In other words, change your life.
Quit needing somebody to lie to you, to make you feel good about yourself.
Make yourself feel good about yourself.
Feeling good about yourself is nobody’s responsibility but yours.
Am I saying you have to be slim to feel good about yourself?
Not at all.
Am I suggesting you’re not valuable or worthwhile without that?
Of course not.
Personally I really don’t care what anybody else thinks about my weight or anything else about me…and neither should you.
How you are physically does reflect on your personal self discipline and health consciousness though.
And it will affect who finds you attractive.
So if it bothers YOU you’re overweight, do something about it.
Don’t ask people to lie to you so you don’t need to take responsibility for your own outcomes.
I’ve emphasized the weight thing here because it is definitely the most obvious one that frequently raises its head.
But what I’ve said applies to anything you’re insecure about and seeking validation regarding.
These aren’t easy things to work through.
That’s why I work with girls (and guys) to help you find your way to greater self confidence and self love.
I know I can help you too.
Contact me for a FREE session to talk about this or anything else in your relationship life you could use a hand with.
So am I right girls? Do you really just wanna be lied to?