The other day a Facebook friend of mine posted a tribute to his girlfriend.
In it he spoke about how she cares for him.
How she inspires him.
Then I thought I’d check out if she was saying anything online about him as well.
She was also appreciative of the way he challenges her, holds space for her and makes her feel safe and supported.
Obviously these two are in love. Who could question any of that right?
I’m not here to suggest they aren’t.
But I want to talk about the importance of distinguishing between being “in love” and real romantic love.
It is really hard when you “fall in love” to actually love your partner.
Because when you fall in love, it’s really about how your partner makes YOU feel. It isn’t about valuing THEM for who they really are.
Of course you think you’re valuing them.
But what you’re really valuing is the feelings they give you about YOURSELF.
Now obviously I’m not privy to anybody’s inner thoughts or motivations.
But I have another friend who often refers to couples he thinks are “clearly in love” after years of being together.
I always remind him you don’t know what’s going on INSIDE their relationship.
They may be part of the 17-20% who are truly happy in long term monogamy.
But as you can see by those statistics, there’s a good probability they’re not.
From the outside my long term relationship looked pretty good to people too.
But we weren’t connecting where it really mattered.
While it may be true that people on the outside don’t necessarily know what’s going on, obviously if it’s your relationship you know exactly how it is on the inside right?
You see like most of us, you struggle with insecurities you bring into your relationships from your past.
Primarily from the way you were parented.
But sometimes also by the way you were treated in prior relationships too.
You weren’t really valued by your partners for the unique, one of a kind person you really are.
Even though there has never been anybody like you on the planet before and there will never be anybody like you again, your parents and partners failed to convey this to you.
So when you enter relationships now, you don’t come in able to truly love your partner.
You’re too worried about being loved yourself.
The lack you’ve experienced in receiving love has left you feeling needy.
So when you fall in love, it’s really all about you.
When you find someone who makes YOU feel good about YOU, you “love” them.
But really you’re just loving yourself.
At least trying to.
But going about that the wrong way too.
If you REALLY loved your partner, you’d be excited about THEM. You would be talking about how special THEY ARE in themselves.
You would be telling the world how unique they are as a person.
The characteristics of worth you see in them.
But that’s not what makes you feel “in love.”
Because of your own emotional lack and desparate need to FEEL loved, you gravitate to someone who makes YOU feel good.
And that is why your relationship eventually breaks down.
One more time.
Just like the last time.
Because you don’t really know how to love, eventually your partner senses this and starts feeling unloved too.
Suddenly you don’t make THEM feel so good anymore.
Because they finally recognize what you loved all along wasn’t THEM, it was YOU.
They were just a MEANS to making YOU feel good about YOURSELF.
Then they leave you.
So what’s the answer?
How can you finally learn to truly love your partner?
Step one is to come to truly love yourself.
Nobody can do that but you.
Until you really love yourself and value yourself without having to be validated by somebody else, you are going to struggle with truly loving anybody else.
But once you quit looking to others to make you feel good, things will start to change.
Are you ready to make the change?
Need some help getting yourself aimed?
That’s what I’m here for.
You CAN change and you CAN become a great lover.
Hit me up for a Skype session or a coffee and let’s get started!
Did this one resonate with you? Let me know your thoughts below.
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