“Reading that makes me feel icky!”
This was the response of one of my female Facebook friends, when I shared a link in a comment to one of her Facebook posts.
She was seeking opinions.
She had recently found out on Instagram that you can check what your friends are “liking.”
To her chagrin she discovered that a lot of her married male friends spent a fair bit of their time liking pictures of scantily clad girls.
She was asking people what they thought about this.
Is it proper or appropriate for guys in relationships to be checking out other girls online?
Was it right for them to be expressing their approval like this?
Watching the reply thread on this one was entertaining to say the least!
If you can’t already guess, most of the girls agreed with her that this behavior was completely out of line.
The guys who replied?
Not so much.
I only added two comments to this thread.
My first comment was, “A lot of layers to this one.”
Nobody asked me to expand so I didn’t go further on that.
What I meant though was that I don’t think this behavior can be completely evaluated, without knowing the motivation driving the action.
I do think a pattern of actively seeking out and liking scantily clad girls online could indicate a sexual addiction.
Since I help guys who struggle with porn addiction, obviously you know where I stand on that one.
But I also believe there is nothing wrong with a guy enjoying natural sexual attraction.
It doesn’t mean he’s addicted.
He may just be being a guy.
That’s where my second comment came in.
I shared a link to my blog post How To Be The Coolest Girl In His Life.
In that post I suggest that most of this concern by you girls, about whether your guys notice and enjoy other girls, is really just your problem.
It stems from your insecurities, and is something you need to get a grip on.
I think you should be comfortable watching porn with your guy if he wants to.
You should point out girls to him who you think he might enjoy noticing.
In other words, you should be that cool girl who celebrates your guy for being a guy, with all that entails.
My Facebook friend’s reply when she read that blog post was a bit different than that.
“Reading that makes me feel icky.”
She insisted this didn’t mean she is insecure though. She just feels getting into other girls is “disrespectful.”
A lot of the girls in that comment thread agreed with her.
No doubt they would have strongly endorsed Nicole Arbour’s well crafted YouTube video on this theme.
As usual though, we are not offered any definition of what “respect” means.
Nor why the online behavior of these married guys fails to meet that definition.
“I don’t like it” is all that is on offer.
This is part of why “battle of the sexes” discussions get nowhere. Nobody quantifies anything. You just express your emotional reactions and then endorse particular behaviors as a consequence.
You never really address whether this endorsement is actually reasonable.
Personally?
I’m fine with you having whatever emotional reactions you have.
They aren’t right or wrong.
They just are.
As Nicole Arbour says, “Feelings are a good thing.”
It’s when you start using you emotional reactions as the basis for how you or anyone else should behave, that my questions begin.
I mentioned that most of the girls felt these married guys were creeps.
Want to take a stab at what the guy’s had to say?
You guessed it.
I can summarize it with one guy’s response to my Cool Girl blog post:
“Good article. I totally agree.”
There you have it girls!
Despite how “icky” it makes you feel, most guys think you’re just being emotionally insecure.
You think they’re creeps?
I’m always open to discussion.
You say your reaction is not because you’re insecure but because he’s being disrespectful.
I’m all ears.
Can you provide me with some objective criteria besides “It makes me feel icky” for why that is?
So what do you think girls? Are guys just creeps or are you being over sensitive?
Like what you’re reading? Sign up!
I’ve encountered both men and women whose insecurities lead them to object to such behavior. It’s not because it is offensive or “disrespectful” per se though they may say it is.
Others grew up in cultures or families where noticing/approving/commenting on people of the opposite sex is considered very disrespectful or inappropriate if it’s not your own partner.
While others grew up with double standards where it was ok when men did this but frowned upon if women did Power, control, misogyny anyone? Such things take a few generations (or many) to work themselves out. So I get why women get prickly about such things. If a woman is constantly liking images of tall, broad shouldered tanned men who look powerful and rich, how would that make her partner feel – especially when the partner doesn’t fit that image. He may conclude his partner is materialistic or perhaps unsatisfied with him. Would that be a fair assumption? Is she being inappropriate or disrespectful? Would a guy even care? I’m betting it wouldn’t be a uniform response.
Others seem to disagree with the objectification and over sexualization present in posts and media content. This can apply to men and women, but historically women have had to endire this way more, be it in workplaces, schools, or social settings. I’m not advocating lowest common denominator behavior (i.e. If men do it, women should too), but maybe just a move towards more conversation. With your partner to begin with.
Thanks for the opp to weigh in Kel.