Don’t know why but this commitment theme keeps showing up lately.
Now another girl in a Facebook group I’m in, has raised the question again.
Essentially she asked all the guys what qualities in a girl make us “commit to her” or “stay with her.”
The underlying assumption of course is that we SHOULD.
As I suspect you might guess, I chose to explore that assumption.
I started out by asking, “What do you mean by ‘commit to her?'”
She talked about sticking together through highs and lows, getting married, and spending the rest of your life with each other.
No small order!
But she was curious what I might mean by the term.
I told her I knew that was a common desire, especially for you girls.
But then I said, “I’m just interested in sharing love, which doesn’t really require any of that at all!”
She replied that sharing love isn’t everything a relationship entails.
If a guy is going to leave every time things get tough, that really doesn’t interest her.
Then I asked her, “How does committing today prevent someone from leaving tomorrow? Ultimately love is only as sure as your present desire to be together. Commitment creates the illusion you can guarantee something you can’t.”
She thought this sounded superficial.
But she admitted a commitment isn’t a guarantee.
It will “only last as long as it lasts.”
Which of course is just another way of saying that commitment adds nothing to the mix.
But I did reassure her that if love is real, partners will work together to sustain it. This just won’t be because of any commitment they made.
It will be because they love each other.
But if love actually ceases?
What would be the point of continuing?
What exactly would you be continuing in that case?
Then things got really interesting.
She told me she has left partners because they weren’t “working,” not because she didn’t love them anymore.
You left a lover you were still in love with?
Why on earth would you do that?
And what does your commitment have to do with anyway?
If it has nothing to do with your love?
At this point I felt I needed to probe some more.
So I asked, “What exactly is it you’re expecting commitment ‘TO?'”
“Is it commitment to cohabiting with you?
“Mixing finances with you?”
“Keeping you company day to day?”
The general reply was she wanted to “share a LIFE together.”
I pointed out you could do that with any roommate, without romantic love even being in the picture.
I hope you’re seeing the pattern here.
Commitment has NOTHING to do with love.
It is always about a bunch of other stuff.
Or a myriad of other things that are tangential to your romantic connection.
That’s why commitment doesn’t make sense. Why commit to these things when they have nothing to do with your love?
And your love itself is not something you can commit to.
It is something you FEEL for each other or you don’t.
And just for fun, if you want to really throw a girl for a loop here’s what to do.
The next time she asks you why you won’t commit, ask her why you should?
Watch her come up with all the reasons she can.
Reasons that have nothing to do with love either.
Then just smile and say,
“But I already love you and none of that will add to it in any way.”
“Let’s just keep on loving each other instead.”
What do you think girls? Can you finally realize commitment has nothing to do with love or will you keep following your DNA trying to get him to “commit” to you?