“Give me an Alpha Male or give me death!”
I chuckled when I read my female Facebook friend’s comment.
It reminded me of another discussion I had.
One where a male Facebook friend was bemoaning the Nice Guy phenomenon.
But what really came to mind was a much more thoughtful presentation. Another of my female Facebook friends recently examined polarity in relationship to attachment theory.
Imaya Sabine is a self-confessed recovering “anxious avoidant.”
In other words she’s one of those lucky ones.
Instead of just being anxious OR avoidant in love?
She has always “Jeckyl and Hyde’d” between the two extremes.
But to her credit Imaya took to heart the teachings of attachment theory. She sought to short circuit her tendency to seek out “intense feelings” and instead build her relationlships “on a foundation of a relaxed nervous system.”
But Imaya wasn’t satisfied with that.
She asks, “What is a relaxed nervous system really?”
“Does it need to be relaxed all the time?”
What about “attraction and passion and chemistry?”
“If we are attracted to someone’s unavailability – this should be called addiction plain and simple. Trauma bonding. Wound to wound infatuation.”
What Imaya wonders now though?
Can’t you experience attraction WITHOUT the addiction?
Can’t you be into someone’s “availability, presence and integrity?”
Can’t you still have that “mad chemistry” but “within a healthy container?”
In other words what Imaya wants is to have her cake and eat it too. Since her heart doesn’t beat “safe and secure” but beats “wild and untamed?” She is looking for the “missing link” that will bring together attachment theory AND polarity.
As you can see for a girl like Imaya?
Dopamine is STILL what she’s craving.
While she wants to avoid “dysfunctional” love?
She doesn’t want to give up “passion” completely!
I empathise with Imaya here. It reminds me so much of when I overcame my porn addiction. Back then I asked, “Can sex still be worthwhile and fun if you aren’t chasing orgasms and intensity?”
But what I can confidently tell you now?
There IS a genuine alternative.
If you shift from sensation to sensitivity?
You ultimately won’t be giving up anything.
What do you think? Is the answer to your love life only to replace “unhealthy” with “healthy” dopamine chasing or is it to learn a competely different way of connecting sexually?