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Damned If You Do And Damned If You Don’t

Had a conversation yesterday with a friend of mine.

She was ranting to me about Nice Guys.

How bad they are.

How deceptive they are.

How they really aren’t nice at all.

Everytime I encounter this phenomenon I’m taken aback by the absolute animosity you girls show on this subject. You’ve turned guys who don’t jock up the way your biological wiring wishes they would into the most dastardly villians alive!

Somehow?

Someone has convinced you that every guy embodies one of only 3 options.

He is either manipulating you?

Deceiving you?

Or he is being totally honest with you right now.

Because life always lays out neatly like this doesn’t it?

YOU’RE never a blend of anything are you?

She introduced the idea of the manipulator by talking about the concept of “negging.” The pickup artists teach guys to tease girls and make fun of them in various ways as a method to create attraction.

This actually works.

At least with some girls.

Admittedly girls who display an element of emotional insecurity.

The most famous advocate of this technique is David D’Angelo.

He says if you treat a girl sort of like she is your kid sister?

She will totally eat it up!

My friend insists negging is manipulative because you’re not being genuine. When you are negging a girl you are trying to ply her into being attracted to you by treating her wrong.

Okay.

Then the answer must be to be nice to her right?

Not at all!

If you’re like THAT you’re being deceptive!

When you treat a girl nicely what you’re really doing is just trying to get her to LIKE you.

You’re people pleasing.

You’re not really nice at all.

This is why as a Nice Guy?

With girls you’ll always finish last.

Girls can read you Nice Guys from a mile away and they don’t want anything to do with you. The way you ought to be with girls isn’t to neg them or be nice but to learn to break rapport with them instead.

I know.

Sounds like negging right?

The difference is breaking rapport just means being assertive.

It’s not a technique to produce a result.

It just means having your own opinions.

When she says something you genuinely disagree with?

Don’t agree anyway just so she’ll like you.

If you DO agree then agree but if you don’t agree then speak your mind.

This shows her you’re not just trying to please her.

Okay I admit I agree to a certain extent and I teach Nice Guys to BE more assertive. But saying that being nice is being dishonest assumes the only value in relationships is continuous self expression.

What about harmony?

Keeping the peace?

Is it really wrong to avoid unnecessary conflict?

Often people who advocate for breaking rapport this way?

They just end up being OBNOXIOUS.

I find I don’t avoid expressing my opinion because I care whether or not a girl will like me.

I just don’t need the drama that will ensue when she finds out – Shock! – that I’m not compliant.

Because let’s face it girls. While you CLAIM you want total honesty in your relationships? What you often want is for your guy to agree with you. But if he agrees with you too much then that turns you off because you feel like he’s just complying to keep you happy.

This really is a Catch 22 for you guys.

Because you really do want your girl to be happy.

Your biggest frustration with her usually is she’s never CONTENT.

If things aren’t changing all the time she is endlessly restless.

You just want to enjoy your relationship don’t you?

Why does it need to be so complicated?

Because although girls are wired to want you to do what they want?

They are also wired to lose respect for you when you do that.

What do you think guys? Is there any way you can see to escape this historical conundrum or are you destined to be damned if you do and damned if you don’t forever no matter what?

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