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Attachment Theory Is Totally Wrong

This entry is part 1 of 9 in the series Attachment Theory Is Totally Wrong

The past few years?

I’ve spent a lot of time.

Doing what you ask?

Hanging out in a couple Facebook groups.

The two groups are called Personal Development School and Attachment Community respectively. Both of these groups focus on helping you understand yourself in terms of Attachment Theory.

And what is that you ask?

A psychological viewpoint.

It stems from 1969.

Based on the work of psychologist John Bowlby.

Bowlby described attachment as “a unique relationship between an infant and his caregiver that is the foundation for further healthy development.” He referred to attachment as an “inherent biological response and behavioral system in place to provide satisfaction of basic human needs.”

But as you can see?

It’s really about raising children.

So why should you be interested then?

Because how you were raised impacts your love life.

What Bowlby saw is when kids were left in a room without their parent, they had one of three types of reactions. Some kids continued to play and were happy when their parents returned. Others clung to them. Still others ignored them, not caring whether or not they were there.

The result of this research?

Recognition of “attachment” styles.


Anxious and Avoidant.

You’ve heard me talk about these with different terminology before. I’ve spoken of Love Addicts and Love Avoidants. There’s also a third insecure type that sort of blends the two, known as Love Ambivalent.

What I agree with Attachment Theory about?

That the way you were raised DOES impact your adult relationships.

Where I disagree is how this gets applied.

Failing to understand this will actually impact you negatively..

What Attachment Theory is totally wrong about is thinking what you needed as a child, is what you need now that you’ve entered your adult life. By doing so, it sets you on a problematic trajectory, that will only AMPLIFY what your upbringing did to you.

In future posts?

I’m going to flesh this out for you.

But for now?

What I’ve done here is simply put you on notice.

How about you? Have you bought into the whole Attachment Theory thing and think you need your partner to give you what you missed out on earlier, or are you open to seeing this whole thing differently and will you give me a chance to show you?

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