You are currently viewing Attachment Theory Is Totally Wrong (Part 8)

Attachment Theory Is Totally Wrong (Part 8)

This entry is part 8 of 9 in the series Attachment Theory Is Totally Wrong

So what have I told you Love Avoidants need?

Openness to connection.

Contrary to popular opinion?

Their problem is NOT their autonomous independence.

But if that is what Love Avoidants need, then could it be what Love Addicts need is also different than everybody is telling you? As you might suspect my now, my answer is, “Absolutely!”

As a Love Addict what you’re usually taught?

Your problem isn’t at all that you’re “needy.”

The only reason you come off like that?

Your TRUE needs are being neglected.

What believing this does is it sets you about trying to find someone to “meet your needs” for you. Just like your parents should have been there so you felt “safe,” you think you need a partner to make you feel safe now.

But that is completely wrong.


Because you are no longer an infant.

What you need now is the exact opposite.

What your parents were supposed to do was love you and give you assurance initially. This was to lead to you gradually maturing into a healthy personal autonomy.

But because they weren’t there for you?

Instead you developed anxiety.

You don’t feel safe at all now.

You’re still looking for someone else to make you feel okay.

The net effect is you keep trying to please everyone you meet, so they will show you that they love you. Instead of being personally okay, you continue to seek validation outside yourself.

But this time, not from your parents.

You seek this from your partner.

If your partner doesn’t “meet your needs?”

Just like when you were a child?

You throw a temper tantrum!

The big thing you need as a Love Addict now, is to learn to love yourself. You need to become okay alone, so you no longer need anything from anyone.

Once you do that?

You’ll be free to truly love your partner.

Instead of constantly trying to “get” from them?

You’ll be able to just freely share yourself.

How do you feel about this? Do you still think what you need is for your partner to meet your “needs” and give you security, or do you see that what you really need is to give this to yourself now?

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