As I mentioned to you in Part 4? [link]
The implicit assumption often present?
“Secure attachment’s” equivalent?
It is long term, committed monogamy.
One refreshing exception to this trend is the book Polysecure by psychotherapist Jessica Fern. She has introduced Attachment Theory to the polyamory community.
Her book is very accessible.
The first half on Attachment Theory, is relatable to anybody.
She introduces a lot of interesting themes.
This book has influenced my perspective significantly.
But even though she’s an advocate of Attachment Theory in the context of polyamory, she still insists on the childhood “secure base” and “safe haven” concepts for your adult life.
What she seems to think though?
More than one partner can be these things for you.
So even though you are polyamorous?
You can still look to your various relationships for this.
But here too Fern makes an even better suggestion, by saying you can ultimately become your own “secure base” and “safe haven.” Instead of looking at your relationships as more or less secure, you simply become a secure person, so you’re able to connect with anyone.
As you can tell by now?
I think that’s exactly what you’re needing.
If you look to your relationships to be this for you?
You’re just making yourself dependent again.
Fern also gives lip service to the whole idea of monogamy being a secure relationship “structure.” I find myself doubting she’s sincere in this, since monogamy is just an illusion you use to try to convince yourself you’re safe from your relationship ending on you.
Be all this as it may?
I highly recommend Polysecure to you.
Even if you’re monogamous?
You will benefit from it greatly!
Attachment Theory may be dominated by the monogamy crowd, but it is definitely not a “monogamy only” concept. You can become autonomous either way, and equally open to connecting too.
That’s what I hope for you.
Stop looking outside yourself for security.
Become your own “secure base.”
Enjoy being your own “safe haven.”
What do you think? Are you ready to take the step now and stop looking for security from your partner, and instead find that in yourself so you can connect with them without any neediness when doing so?
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