When you first discover your insecurities?

You can become very alarmed.

Because of the negative effect they’ve had on your life?

You want them immediately gone.

Nothing surprising about this of course but the problem is at this point you’re still in them. This means when you try to change yourself you swing to the opposite extreme more often than not.

If you are a Dominant lover you switch to being a Submissive.

If you are a Love Avoidant you become love addicted instead.

Both of these represent scales between two extremes in love.

Until you heal you reside somewhere between them.

If you discover yourself to be too aggressive your tendency will be to become passive to compensate. If you discover you’re avoiding connection in love you’ll start to become obsessed with it now.

I’m speaking from experience here.

Back in my long term relationship?

When I discovered my aggressiveness was killing my partner?

I became very passive and lost my “balls.”

When I discovered my partner wasn’t attracted anymore instead of developing a healthy “edge” I once again became aggressive. When I realized she couldn’t connect with me I left my relationship and became very needy for connection and love.

What makes changing so difficult?

The answer ISN’T on the scale you’re trapped in.

Instead of moving from one end of the scale to the other?

You have to get completely OFF the scale now.

The answer to dominance/submissiveness is to develop a healthy outcome independence. The answer to love avoidance/addiction is to become completely comfortable alone.

What makes these answers particularly difficult?

At first they appear contradictory.

To love someone you need to learn not to care?

In order to find love you need to be okay without it at all?

But once you recognize nobody including yourself wants to be controlled? Outcome independence becomes less confusing. When you realize you can’t really give yourself until you don’t need anything from your partner? That’s when the light bulb goes on!

Expecting nothing from your partner?

That is the essence of Romantic Friendships.

By enjoying love without losing your independence?

You both become free to truly give yourselves!

What do you think? Have you been trying to heal your wounds by swinging that pendulum in the opposite direction and will you take the more difficult step of getting of the scale completely now?